In episode 281, “What are True Needs vs. Wants,” we explore the difference between essential needs and luxury wants. We answer key questions about identifying and meeting your true needs, drawing on Maslow’s Hierarchy and Andrew Benjamin George’s comprehensive list. We also discuss the impact of unmet needs on mental health, social media pressures, and cultural influences. Look for practical tips on distinguishing and managing your needs and wants with mindfulness and gratitude.
Tune in to see True Needs vs Wants Through a Therapist’s Eyes.
Think about these three questions as you listen:
- What are needs vs wants defined?
- Do you have a list of your needs or are they wants?
- How does one assess needs as met or not…?
Links referenced during the show:
30+ Human Needs: A Comprehensive List – Andrew Benjamin George
https://www.throughatherapistseyes.com/category/podcasts/mentalhealthtips
Intro Music by Reid Ferguson – https://reidtferguson.com/
@reidtferguson – https://www.instagram.com/reidtferguson/
https://www.facebook.com/reidtferguson
https://open.spotify.com/artist/3isWD3wykFcLXPUmBzpJxg
Audio Podcast Version Only
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Episode #281 Transcription
Chris Gazdik: [00:00:00] Through a Therapist’s Eyes, actually, on July the 25th, 2024. Miss Victoria Pendergrass, are you enjoying the summer?
Victoria Pendergrass: I am. We’ve had a lot in our area. A lot of rain this last week. It’s rained almost every day for like a week straight. That’s
Chris Gazdik: probably a week and a half. Yeah. It’s it’s been, you’re right. Yeah. It’s been a lot.
Victoria Pendergrass: Not that I’m grateful for it because we definitely need it. I mean, it’s definitely helped, but we have this thing down here called humidity and it definitely doesn’t always help with the humidity. I hate
Chris Gazdik: it. I’m not going to lie. So through a therapist’s eyes, this is episode 281. What are true needs versus wants?
And I’m really interested in this topic. I honestly have a private interest in this topic for like a long time. So I, I’m really going to be interested in Victoria, your thoughts and, and whatnot about [00:01:00] all of this. I really do wish John were. Here too, because this is one that I want think that’s be a good
Victoria Pendergrass: episode for John, but ,
Chris Gazdik: I, I, I was really struggling with it and time just got screwed up.
No,
Victoria Pendergrass: it’s okay. It’s
Chris Gazdik: my fault, but
Victoria Pendergrass: I’m sure we’ll cover it again sometime later in the future. Maybe, maybe. Well, we
Chris Gazdik: don’t really redo a lot of content though, actually. We do add-ons and move arounds, and we have three or four shows on any topic you might be interested in, in our. Backlog, but it’s just because I really kind of wanted to sit back and learn from you and John to be honest with you this time.
I really did. So this is Through a Therapist’s Eyes where you get insights from a panel of therapists in your car or at home, knowing it’s not delivery of therapy services in any way. Got the book that is out, only in the office, on marriage. So delivery date to the public will be December the 17th, right?
Oh,
Victoria Pendergrass: officially?
Chris Gazdik: In time for Christmas. Cool! Cool! Hit subscribe, click the bell for notifications, Facebook. All that stuff is your job for sure. Five stars. Don’t piss John off with four [00:02:00] stars. He gets upset.
Victoria Pendergrass: I think John will come for ya. He
Chris Gazdik: gets upset. He will come for ya. He’s so peaceful. He can’t go. I know.
That doesn’t even sound right to say.
Victoria Pendergrass: I don’t think he has like a, a mean bone in his body.
Chris Gazdik: No, he is the salt of the earth kind of guy. Contact it through a therapist eyes. com. This is the human emotional experience, which we endeavor to figure out together. We have a new YouTube subscriber as well.
That is your job as well to tell people, you know, about what we do and find us on YouTube and all of that. Please. And truly. Thank you in advance and thank you if you already have. And thank you if you’ve joined. So Savannah is such that we thank you. I’m not going to try to pronounce it. A G U a Y O. You don’t want to have a go.
Victoria Pendergrass: No.
Chris Gazdik: Did you hear the right? I’m going to
Victoria Pendergrass: say, we’re going to say Savannah, a
Chris Gazdik: Savannah, a three Christians. What are needs versus wants defined? Do you have a list of your needs [00:03:00] or are they wants? And how does one assess needs as met or not provocative? What do you think about this topic?
Victoria Pendergrass: I love this topic.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. I, because I just said this in our little intro, but I just love it. Like it just makes me smile when this is literally like, I know the client I’m going to be that next time I see them, because we talked about this. Earlier this week, I’m going to be like, okay, so after we talked, we ended up doing a podcast episode on this and you should go back and listen to episode 281.
So what’s interesting
Chris Gazdik: about that is I don’t really tell the panel what the topics are because I developed them on Wednesdays and be thing to thought, think through it. And because I want you guys to have genuine,
Victoria Pendergrass: you know,
Chris Gazdik: responses and, and feedback. Thoughts about it and mine as well. Although I have the advantage of preparing a little bit.
So these are real things. I mean, that’s what’s cool about the show. Honestly, I think is, is [00:04:00] these are really things that we do deal with day to day, week to week in therapy sessions. And that’s why I have them. I don’t. Have a session and create it because of that session often, but that happens sometimes too,
Victoria Pendergrass: right?
It’s
Chris Gazdik: just, these are regular repeated things and it worked out this week. It’s tripping you out. So
Victoria Pendergrass: yeah,
Chris Gazdik: that is, that is cool. But no, not because of that. What do you think about this topic? I do think that, well, let me frame this up in the way of use your words. I feel like it’s a complicated topic that gets Utterly simplified.
In people’s Okay, in
Victoria Pendergrass: what kind of way? What do you mean?
Chris Gazdik: In people’s thinking and thoughts about it.
Victoria Pendergrass: Okay. Like,
Chris Gazdik: there’s a flippant expression, oftentimes I feel like, of, Hey! I just need you to listen to me. Hey, I just need you to hear me. I need you to say yes. Like, need? Really? If I say no, is that a problem?[00:05:00]
Right, yeah, is that gonna be detrimental
Victoria Pendergrass: to you if I say no? Right,
Chris Gazdik: if I don’t have the ability to listen because I’m just burnt out with the day, is that a problem? Like mean that your needs aren’t met like
Victoria Pendergrass: right I
Chris Gazdik: feel like on the surface This is an easy topic to talk about
Victoria Pendergrass: right But
Chris Gazdik: what I want to really challenge us and gear the listener into the complicated nature of this the in the weeds Day to day, how do you have an understanding of this?
That’s that’s kind of the context of what I mean Victoria But what do you what do you think about this topic?
Victoria Pendergrass: I do think that like
people get those two confused and that like I think it’s important to be able to Define them and to be able to decide, like, if there is a difference and what that difference is.
Say that again and expound. Like, if it is really a need [00:06:00] or if it’s a want. And, like, I mean, like, the question, what are, how are they defined? Right. But I think it definitely is a topic that people could spend a little bit more time on.
Chris Gazdik: I think that’s probably a bit the problem, is I don’t, I don’t think people spend a lot of time on the nuance of the variations between wants and needs and get rather impulsive or flippant about it.
And blaming and shaming of others.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right.
Chris Gazdik: Particularly that you’re close to that you feel aren’t fitting a need. That’s actually probably wants.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah, right? So, yeah, definition. We love definitions on Through a Therapist’s Eyes, right? So. Did you use
Victoria Pendergrass: ChatGPT for that? Did I say that right? I don’t remember if I did
Chris Gazdik: ChatGPT.
I don’t, I don’t know that I did. Did I? Maybe for the definitions only, primarily, but Sorry. Needs are essential, thanks, I know, right? Needs are essential items or conditions required for survival and well being.
Victoria Pendergrass: Keyword, survival and well being. Right.
Chris Gazdik: And they have, you know, [00:07:00] food, water, shelter, clothing, medical care.
Wants non essential items or conditions that enhance quality of life but are not necessary for survival. Luxuries, entertainment, dining out, vacations. So, I mean, if you want to get real nuts and bolts on a basic level.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right.
Chris Gazdik: Really, what is essential? You know?
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: Food. Yeah. Right. Water. Check. Right. What else is essential?
Sleep, biologically.
Victoria Pendergrass: In our society, clothing.
Chris Gazdik: Clothing, in our society.
Victoria Pendergrass: That’s what I said. Yeah, specifically, right? Jail. Yeah. How many
Chris Gazdik: basic essential reality?
Victoria Pendergrass: Cause I would even say like, like hygiene, like what would hygiene be one?
Chris Gazdik: Probably. Yeah. We, we need a super system health, that type of thing.
I mean, I think that what we’re really talking about is [00:08:00] not the essential definition, the literal definition of needs when we talk about Emotional needs. Is it possible to say that what we’re really talking about is Needs almost a different word, because in order to be healthy, you need these things.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right.
Chris Gazdik: So what are the essential mental health needs? Now we can open it up, I feel like, a little bit more. Because if you’re really talking about needs, food, water, clothing, shelter, health, that’s about it. What else is essential to live?
Victoria Pendergrass: I don’t know.
Chris Gazdik: Nothing. This is what I’ve thought about, right? Like, for years I’ve had this stuff buzzing in my head, to be honest with you.
Because this issue has always bothered me a little bit, to be honest with you. Has it? Yeah, I, I
Victoria Pendergrass: Okay.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah.
Victoria Pendergrass: Breathing?
Chris Gazdik: Okay, air, oxygen. Fair enough. What did you google? What essential needs do we human body [00:09:00] have? Vitamin A, vitamin D. Ah, yes.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah, we’ll get to that in a minute. Go ahead.
Chris Gazdik: Why don’t you go there?
Victoria Pendergrass: Well I was looking at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. And
Chris Gazdik: what is that?
Victoria Pendergrass: It’s basically this guy who created this standard. Yeah. Would you say? Of like, okay, think of like the food pyramid. Like the triangle where you have like your different things.
Chris Gazdik: Well, you didn’t say it yet, but most people probably have heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. And so it basically says that like there’s different levels to Needs. So you start with your psychological needs and then you have your safety and security, love and belonging, then self esteem, and then your goal is to get to like self actualization, but it’s basically like, just describes like different levels of needs.
So first [00:10:00] physiological needs, which is your Don’t go through
Chris Gazdik: the details of that yet, but yeah. Did you know his name was Abraham? No, I did you. Abraham Maslow, and did you know that this came out in 1943?
Victoria Pendergrass: I didn’t know the specific year, but I do remember it being, like, quite early on. Like,
Chris Gazdik: What’s not, like, you know, recent?
Early,
Victoria Pendergrass: early, yeah. It’s not, like,
Chris Gazdik: And I didn’t realize this, but this basically just came out in his paper, A Theory of Human Motivation, and in his subsequent book, Motivation and Personality.
Victoria Pendergrass: What, he just like slipped it in there like nonchalantly? It was like, oh yeah, I have this to say. And the
Chris Gazdik: curiosity they have, and this is where I really wish John were here, because I wanted to tap into his brain and thinking like, so basically this was a dude that had a thought Wrote a paper and that is like our standard of Evaluating.
It’s a standard
Victoria Pendergrass: of
Chris Gazdik: care. It is what it [00:11:00] is. It’s a standard.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right.
Chris Gazdik: That seems I’m sorry, I know everybody loves Maslow.
Victoria Pendergrass: No, actually, I was gonna point out, and this is what I talked with my, cause I talked about this with my client earlier this week. Yeah, you’ve
Chris Gazdik: made that clear.
Victoria Pendergrass: And, yeah, sorry. But, when I was talking to them about it, I pointed out that, like, there are, nowadays there are some people who kinda give some pushback on Maslow’s.
I haven’t, I can’t name anything. So you’re younger
Chris Gazdik: in school, and I’m curious how that. I don’t
Victoria Pendergrass: think it, I didn’t hear it in school. It was more just like, In recent years, just through like social media and things, I haven’t really read any. Specific articles or anything about it or like studies or whatever.
I
Chris Gazdik: hate to interrupt you, but I, but this is curious to me. Are you, I have seen that basically thought leaders and content creators are creating lists of mental health needs. Is that what you mean by the pushback?
Victoria Pendergrass: No, I think I’ve basically just, and that’s why I don’t [00:12:00] quote me word for word. Cause this is just like what I’ve heard in passing, but it’s pretty much, I think just saying that.
Like, we don’t necessarily, this necessarily doesn’t have to be something that you actually go by, like, verbatim.
Chris Gazdik: Hmm. Interesting.
Victoria Pendergrass: If I’m getting that correctly, I might be totally off the air. And this is
Chris Gazdik: just your sort of meanderings around conferences and colleagues. Yeah, I haven’t really, like, researched
Victoria Pendergrass: into it much on my own.
Well, I have this question. That might be something I do now.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah, I hope you do, because I have some questions about that. But, you know, I really, I don’t know. I think this is an odd question to research.
Victoria Pendergrass: What? The,
Chris Gazdik: what are human needs? You know, what are human emotional needs? Let’s be clear. I don’t, I don’t know.
How do you research that?
Victoria Pendergrass: You know, because like everybody’s perspective is different. Mine, mine, like other than our, to me, sometimes you would think like, other [00:13:00] than yes, our basic needs, like person to person, they would be like, there’d be slight changes and slight differences. So, like, what worked for you might not work for me, vice versa.
Chris Gazdik: So, let’s revisit this after we go through the hierarchy. Okay. Because it is the generally accepted standard. Yes.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: And I came across an article that I’m gonna, I mean, he, he went in depth with this and I thought, wow. Because he has 30 plus human needs, a comprehensive list. A guy named Andrew Benjamin Georgian, and I have it linked for the show notes.
Neil will get that up. But we started out with, with Maslow, 1943, and yeah, he has this pyramid, the basement floor, which is the basic needs, are physiological. And then you move up to the next level, which are, which are safety, and then the next level up. Safety
Victoria Pendergrass: and security.
Chris Gazdik: Safety and security, thank you.
And then you move up to love. And belonging. And belonging. [00:14:00] And then you go up to You know, the esteem needs are self actualization. So there’s, there’s five layers if I’m correct, right? And it’s presumed and thought that you, you really don’t go to the higher level needs until your needs are really met on the lower levels.
Victoria Pendergrass: So
Chris Gazdik: it’s meant to kind of build up because self actualization is like a pretty big,
Victoria Pendergrass: I mean,
Chris Gazdik: panacea, right?
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah, and most people, I do remember in school, school, we would talk about how most people don’t actually like get to self actualization, like cause especially when you read pretty healthy
Chris Gazdik: person, when
Victoria Pendergrass: it’s, when you read what’s listed on there, you’re like, yep.
I don’t know if I would ever read that. Well, cause, okay. Cause like we’re talking about with, and you might be going into this, like with your
physiological needs, like breathing food, water, clothing, shelter, sleep. Like. In the path of pyramid, like I use the example of like, if you have like [00:15:00] a homeless client.
Oh, yeah, like they’re struggling with basic needs. Well, like you but you can’t help their traumatic history or their like Abuse history like dealing with that because they can’t they have too much going on if you’re watching you can see all my hand Movements, but like they have too much like they don’t know where they’re gonna get their next spoon Meal, or if they’re going to have a safe place to sleep tonight.
So they are not even in the mental capacity to be able to even address any, anything else like self esteem or trauma. Basically you’re
Chris Gazdik: teaching professionals. Look, you can’t go depthy with somebody who’s struggling on the basic needs.
Victoria Pendergrass: So like what, like when I was in my internship, I had a lot of. Home a good amount of homeless clients and like that’s what we worked on.
We worked on like case management. Yeah. Basically until they could [00:16:00] have a consistent place to like sleep an apartment or a consistent job or food or whatever they, the basic needs were that weren’t being met. Then we could begin to slowly work on like the other aspects of their life. And improving those things and addressing those things and yeah,
Chris Gazdik: to stay here for a moment.
You’re right. I mean, this is stuff that we assess and work with. I oftentimes it would break my heart, you know, because we would be working in a mental health center with, you know, young students and they were really struggling. Like in our day reporting program that had a felony or a misdemeanor and that also suspended or expelled from school, they would come to our program and I mean, they were struggling on the very basic bottom levels of hierarchies of needs, food, clothing, shelter, all of that.
And then safety was a big factor. I mean, if you’re living in poverty or rough neighborhoods, you’re really struggling just for basic [00:17:00] physical safety, let alone emotional safety levels, right? So you’re right. You’re, you’re teaching us that we really need to be careful about trying to do high level interventions when people can’t function on the basic levels.
It’s inappropriate application of care.
Victoria Pendergrass: Like, yeah, like, I’m not going to be able to reach meaning and inner potential, which is part of self actualization, if I don’t even know, like, Where my next paycheck will come from or how I’m gonna pay my car payment this month or how I’m gonna, like, do these basic needs of like, do I even have a safe place to sleep, the shelter’s full, they don’t have any room, do I have anywhere else to go, like, or whatever, like.
Yeah, I’m not gonna be worried about my inner potential,
Chris Gazdik: or
Victoria Pendergrass: whatever,
Chris Gazdik: or boundaries,
Victoria Pendergrass: or
Chris Gazdik: assertiveness skills,
Victoria Pendergrass: confidence, or achievement, conflict
Chris Gazdik: resolution. Yeah, like
Victoria Pendergrass: I’m not going to be able to do, or address, [00:18:00] or figure out any of that crap.
Chris Gazdik: Not looking for active listening skills.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right. If, I literally don’t know if I’m going to be safe for the next 24 hours, you know, or even the next 12.
Chris Gazdik: But let’s assume that we have a lot of those things in place and then, you know, looking at love and belonging, self esteem, and what this means with self actualization. So I thought this guy did a good job of really broadly going at different needs. Just let’s see what he came up with. The physiological, we
Victoria Pendergrass: can alter.
You do those and then I like that. I like that.
Chris Gazdik: Some of them. Okay. So the physiological, he looks at rest and relaxation, food, water, of course, comfort, he has sex in there on the bottom level, right? But that’s physiological physical activity. And then safety is the next level up,
Victoria Pendergrass: which is your physical safety, shelter, emotional safety, financial security order, structure, familiarity, [00:19:00] consistent, stability, consistency, stability.
And
Chris Gazdik: then you go up to the next level, which is love and belonging, right? So belonging, community acceptance, inclusion, attraction. Affection. Now we’re starting to get high level, right? Kindness, consideration, compassion, dependability, trust. These are things on a love level and belonging that you need to have, right?
Support, understanding. Connection, openness, transparency, authenticity, empathy, intimacy, sexual connection, right? There’s a lot.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. Then we go to self esteem. We have recognition, attention, esteem, appreciation, respect, prestige, contribute, contribution, contribution, service. Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: Being, being in service.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right.
Competence purpose, meaning, no, that’s not what I was going on. Achievement, success, excellence, [00:20:00] challenge, growth, stimulation. I’m
Chris Gazdik: glad I get the last one of self actualization. This is the top level. Okay. He identifies purpose and having meaning, novelty or variety, adventure and spontaneity. Thank you.
You know, play, joy, laughter, pleasure, creativity, knowledge, discovery, aesthetic, beauty, gratitude. Celebration, privacy, space, self connection, self acceptance, self understanding, autonomy, agency, independence, control, like, there’s a lot of
Victoria Pendergrass: needs here. Yeah, I don’t know if he might, like, that’s a long list. It’s a long
Chris Gazdik: list.
But what he’s doing is breaking down, like, what did Maslow really mean by these things? And, and I, I go back to our question. That’s a primary question. I feel like, like, how do we assess one’s needs as what they [00:21:00] are and whether they’re met or they’re not met, or these are really just wants in the first place.
Like,
Victoria Pendergrass: right.
Chris Gazdik: I want to be accepted. Okay. Well, great. Do you need to be accepted by everyone around you or a group? I mean,
Victoria Pendergrass: Like, yeah. I can’t.
Chris Gazdik: I want to belong.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right.
Chris Gazdik: But do you need to belong? How do you assess that level, also? Like, I just feel like there’s not a lot of good science wrapped around this whole freaking concept.
And I think it makes me uncomfortable.
Victoria Pendergrass: But how would you, like, how would you scientifically study it in the first place? You know? Like, how would you go back and Like, and, like, I mean, heck, you can get online and just type in, like, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and you can print yourself off a little nice triangle and stick it on your fridge and every day you can, this nice little colorful triangle here, and you can You know, have it every day to look at [00:22:00]
Chris Gazdik: and
Victoria Pendergrass: work towards,
Chris Gazdik: but I want to be clear, this is not a bad concept.
I am not upset with Maslow’s hierarchy.
Victoria Pendergrass: I use Maslow’s. It’s good
Chris Gazdik: content. I talk about it. I use it. I don’t want to give the wrong impression. I think in talking through it with you, honestly, I’ve just come to that. I think it just bothers me that there’s not good science wrapped around this. This is a A developed, a generated piece of content that was done in 43, just like we do content creation here on the show and around the internet,
Victoria Pendergrass: right?
As therapists, we do a lot of like, evidence based Science! stuff. Where’s the science here? We like to be able to show that like, hey, studies show that this, you know, this thing, this whatever, works, and
Chris Gazdik: Because really, if you’re looking at this, this is This is Maslow’s angle [00:23:00] here, to me, and I never really thought about this, but talking through it and reading and doing some stuff.
He’s talking about what motivates people, not even really talking about the needs. I mean, listen to what the paper came out. Yeah, I can see that. In A Theory of Human Motivation. His book was Motivation and Personality.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah, I can see that. It’s not even about Like, needs. Human emotional Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: Needs, really.
Victoria Pendergrass: I mean, so that, and I think a lot of times what people At least, this would be my, my guess would be that like, these are things that are met consistently. Correct?
Chris Gazdik: What do you mean?
Victoria Pendergrass: Like, in order to be able to like, achieve self actualization, like you have to consistently, Have these things.
Chris Gazdik: Okay, yeah, this is not a Right?
Victoria Pendergrass: It’s not like a one time Like, yes, we like to think that we have autonomy, or that we have, like, self acceptance, and [00:24:00] self understanding, and control, but, like, A lot of times, those are the reasons that people end up in my office anyways. Well, we’re going to talk
Chris Gazdik: about unmet needs and what that means. Yeah.
Victoria Pendergrass: So like, it’s not, and I think that that’s one of like the hard parts for people to understand is like, or to wrap their heads around is like, it’s not just like, Oh, I do this once. And that’s it.
Chris Gazdik: I love your point about consistency.
Victoria Pendergrass: Well, I mean, it’s just like our licensure. Every two years, I have to renew it.
Oh, man. Like, it’s consistent. You know, I don’t just do it once and for the rest of my life, I’m a licensed therapist. You know, I have to renew it every two years if I want to be able to continue to, like, do the job that I love. Learn,
Chris Gazdik: continue learning. To be an effective clinician, you’re always learning. I have not anywhere near stopped learning.
Victoria Pendergrass: No,
Chris Gazdik: you know,
Victoria Pendergrass: well, I mean, definitely in our, in our field, at least things were constant, like studies [00:25:00] are constantly changing and proving things wrong and proving things right. And in fact, you know, so
Chris Gazdik: we are, we are definitely learning as a field. And honestly, our field is young,
Victoria Pendergrass: comparatively speaking, comparatively speaking, yes, we are extremely young
Chris Gazdik: at best.
You know, maybe even arguably most of the
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: Cognitive, behavioral, behavioral, a lot of the theories that we talked about, right?
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. Oh,
Chris Gazdik: you missed that show. Did you listen to that yet? I
Victoria Pendergrass: haven’t listened to it yet. Come on. Get on to that. It’s on my to do list. You’re gonna
Chris Gazdik: enjoy that. John and I talked about a lot of those things and a lot of those modalities are, I
Victoria Pendergrass: mean, they’re within the
Chris Gazdik: last 100 years.
Victoria Pendergrass: I
Chris Gazdik: mean,
Victoria Pendergrass: 43. That’s
Chris Gazdik: like Maslow. Yeah.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right. That’s like We’re not even 100 years
Chris Gazdik: from
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. From that.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. Okay. So let’s, let’s, let’s ponder here a little bit. How does, how does all this really affect mental health? Because you just made the point. People come into therapy, I think all the time with [00:26:00] various areas of their life, greatly impacted, you know, by this is the reason why we begin work oftentimes, and sometimes it feels pretty desperate.
So when you,
Victoria Pendergrass: yeah, because people wait till the last minute to come.
Chris Gazdik: Well, that’s true too. And you’ve been, You’ve been grinding through life not having some basic things that are really necessary or important to be healthy. Like, I almost want to rename Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Can we do that? You think we could accomplish that as our platform big enough to accomplish a whole cultural movie?
What would
Victoria Pendergrass: you change it
Chris Gazdik: to? Maslow’s Defined mental health necessary. I’m really struggling here. Characteristics to be well, I don’t know.
Victoria Pendergrass: No,
Chris Gazdik: no. You don’t like that.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. Let’s just stick with the hierarchy
Chris Gazdik: though, because they’re really things that are necessary to be well,
Victoria Pendergrass: well, mental health wise
Chris Gazdik: [00:27:00] for mental health, to be well, these things are on some level necessary.
Needed. Just feels like a weird word,
Victoria Pendergrass: right? Because that would yeah. Yeah. I don’t know It just makes me think like that what I almost think like that would be like if I said I need chocolate right now
Chris Gazdik: Yeah, that’s Do
Victoria Pendergrass: I really need chocolate to ease my anxiety or Is that just really what I want? All right, like I don’t know.
It just makes me think of different things. Like here’s the
Chris Gazdik: thing that That bothers me as well about this whole thing. Somewhere, we’re gonna, I think I had, Yeah, there it is. Factors in cultural and societal standards, right? Like, ways that we operate. I think people make a major mistake about looking at their emotional needs and giving away their control and [00:28:00] developing resentments and anger And pure frustration because they’re focused on an external locus of control, meaning you don’t do what I need.
And if you would do what I need, then I would be fine. And that line of thinking listeners, you need to stop. I’m going to tell you, you need to stop thinking that way because You’re completely taking away any level of agency that you have about your life and ability to make decisions for yourself are greatly hampered.
And I don’t like that, that line of thinking. I’m about empowerment. I’m about, you know, the courage to change the things that you can. You know, it is what it is. That’s why I add the line. What is it?
Victoria Pendergrass: It is what, what?
Chris Gazdik: You don’t know. That’s, I guess that’s more Adam and Neil, what it is. What it is drives me crazy.
So I like to say, so I will do what I can do.
Victoria Pendergrass: Oh,
Chris Gazdik: like can you me? Let’s say it is what it
Victoria Pendergrass: is and it was what it was, or set
Chris Gazdik: up what it is [00:29:00] that’s necessary for positive mental health. And I think the answer to you listening is yes you can. Yeah. Yes. You. And sometimes it’s going to be in relationship to others,
Victoria Pendergrass: right?
Chris Gazdik: But you have agency, you have internal locus control to create relationships for yourself and you can create a sense of belonging
Victoria Pendergrass: for instance. A lot of times the analogy that I use with kids is that imagine that we each have, we each come with our own remote.
Chris Gazdik: Okay.
Victoria Pendergrass: And when you allow, like, other people to dictate how you feel and how you respond to things, you’re basically, like, giving them your remote control.
Love that. And saying, like, here, now you get to control what I do. But instead, if you can hold on to your remote control, you can control the things around
you. Someone is not making you do something or making you feel this way. Or making, you know, they’re not having, like, they’re not controlling [00:30:00] how
Chris Gazdik: They’re controlling you.
You’re giving them control of you.
Victoria Pendergrass: But when you keep your remote, and you don’t allow yourself to hand over your remote, then you can kind of keep that, keep that control within yourself. You should
Chris Gazdik: use that with all your adult clients.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah, probably. I mean, yeah.
Chris Gazdik: All your marriage clients, all your, you know, yes.
Victoria Pendergrass: Stop giving your spouse your remote.
Chris Gazdik: Yes!
Victoria Pendergrass: Your metaphorical remote. I
Chris Gazdik: mean, that is an excellent way to describe, you know, developing the mentality of having an internal locus of control. That makes you powerfully, much more powerfully healthy. Right. And well. And grounded, established, and moving towards self actualization.
Excellent. But let’s go back before we go further. Yeah. In what do we do and how do we develop these things? Because we’re going to talk about how do we develop these goals for ourselves. But, I mean, how does this really affect us? I mean, just think of the people who come in and see us. What types of things are they really struggling [00:31:00] with?
I mean When it comes to these needs or wants. Yeah. These things that are necessary being void. I mean I
Victoria Pendergrass: mean, so you’ve got, yeah, so you’ve got like stress tensions and relationships. You’ve talked about, you’ve talked about, you mentioned resentments. You’ve got anger, misperceptions, like
Chris Gazdik: how many times anxiety, a diagnostic condition.
Anxiety or depression, you know that stems from not really applying yourself to getting things that you really need to be set up in your life. I think full blown conditions can be born from this. Certainly the pandemic of loneliness that we have going on.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: Certainly the horrible reality of suicide being carried further to completion.
You know, [00:32:00] our folks, men and women in the military. you know, with, with trauma and You know, locking things down to isolation alone. These are, these are all what we kind of see coming into our doors.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. And I think, yeah, that’s definitely a good spirit on or spearheaded or pushed on or whatever terminology you want to use when you don’t have your needs being met.
Chris Gazdik: It’s tough.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: It, it really makes the grind of life so much more difficult, so much more profound, so much more overwhelming, so much more, you know, depressing when you’re, when you’re not doing this. When you’re not paying attention.
Victoria Pendergrass: If I just lost my like third job, if I just got fired for my third job in one year, like, yeah, I’m probably gonna be a little depressed.
Yep. And I’m probably gonna be a little anxious and I’m might be even some. Even have some anger in there because [00:33:00] now I don’t know how I’m going to afford to pay my mortgage. You just slapped down to the
Chris Gazdik: very first level of Maslow.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. Really?
Chris Gazdik: Unemployment is devastating.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: I’ll never forget my neighbor.
You know, he, he went through a pretty good stint of unemployment. I think it was when the housing market crashed.
Victoria Pendergrass: In
Chris Gazdik: fact, I know that was because he was a, he’s a carpenter and he had his own business. And I mean, he just crashed, man, there was nothing to add and he was unemployed and it, it changed him.
Like permanently.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah,
Chris Gazdik: so to this day and I’ll never forget the day that he Charged out of his house and he said cuz he had gotten a job that he still has same one He’s like, I’m not depressed anymore It’s like announcement like you know, wow Wait Cuz he was really, and particularly for a man, trying to be productive and produce and, you know, provide.
That’s what we’re, you know, supposed to [00:34:00] be geared towards, and it’s like, it’s a shot. You know, and you go right down to Maslow’s physiological needs in a hurry. Yeah, so, we really do move up a bit. Even at
Victoria Pendergrass: like safety and security, like, I need to feel secure in finances and employment and in housing and in Right.
You know? Right. And if, like Those things aren’t being met. Then, yeah, we might have some anger and some anxiety and some depression, feeling stuck and helpless, and, you know, even, like, impulsive behaviors.
Chris Gazdik: Right. Yeah. People become hypersexual or buy stuff they don’t have all the negative coping because you’re really trying Let me max
Victoria Pendergrass: out all my credit cards.
Chris Gazdik: And honestly Or sign up
Victoria Pendergrass: for a bunch of credit cards. It occurs
Chris Gazdik: to me, actually, saying that, that, that’s a direct impact of people not really having good awareness about this. Not really being aware of what really are my love level [00:35:00] needs my belonging my community But if I get this nice new cool new TV for just in time for the Pittsburgh Steelers season Which training camp opened up today, by the way, just so everyone knows very excited about it.
How dare you say that? It’s wrong with you, huh? We don’t really know Joe Fields But what’s his name? Huh?
Victoria Pendergrass: Justin Fields?
Chris Gazdik: No from Chicago. Yeah, is it Justin? Yeah, I don’t know. You caught me on a flat foot. Who’s our, who’s our starting quarterback now? He’s new, he’s gonna be good.
Victoria Pendergrass: Or, okay, it kind of is Thank
Chris Gazdik: you for pulling us back, Victoria.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah, it kind of lets me, like, a parallel to, like, Menopause, right? How we’ve talked about how a lot of times women experience all these symptoms and we don’t, and we don’t know that, or it takes a while to figure out to be like, Oh, well you have, Like looked into maybe that you’re going through pre menopause or going through menopause or whatever.
And because they’re like, well, you know, they’re [00:36:00] experiencing all these different things, whether it’s like irritability, whether it’s like skin issues, whether it’s whatever.
Chris Gazdik: And you know what I see in marital therapy? People saying, I don’t feel safe.
What a powerful reality that you just taught. I just say that court,
Victoria Pendergrass: like it’s very similar in this sense of like, well, if you you’re doing all these things, like, or your spouse may be wondering, like, well, all of a sudden she’s like spending money we don’t have, and she’s buying ring, all these lucrative things.
And like. You know, and then you might dig deeper and be like, okay, well, like what need is not being met at home or in some part of their life to where now they’re like hyper focused on spending money or hyper sexual or you
Chris Gazdik: need to realize like there’s, there’s a lesson that I learned really when I was in college.
grad school. I never forgot it. Bob [00:37:00] music. I remember his name, director of the mental health center that I was in an internship with and worked subsequently. And he was standing in the lobby. Now you got to stand back in the days of 90 something. You know, I mean, these were pretty unhealthy folks. They were, they were really decompensated schizophrenia, bipolar, not doing well.
I mean, they were in long term hospitalizations. That basically got kicked out to the community where we served them at community mental health centers Right people were struggling and he said to me cocky young naive dumb young man Right chris the difference between the people that we serve that I just described And ourselves is no thicker than a piece of dental floss And I was like, Okay, that sounds a bit crazy.
Bro, I’m good. I’m not that. I got my needs met. I, my life’s pretty good. Like, I, I mean, I didn’t fight him too hard in my head. Don’t get me wrong. I’m clinging up a little bit more than I probably did. But, but he stunned me a little bit. Because I’m like, how could that be? Like, he’s, folks are [00:38:00] struggling. I mean, they’re Daily struggle is real.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: And what do you think I have found subsequently through 20 plus years of practicing?
Victoria Pendergrass: right.
Chris Gazdik: It’s on point, right? And, and so we have this myth that when we’re doing pretty well that we can’t get knocked down. And you just laid out a random example correlated with menopause. You don’t get knocked down.
You get crushed down in a hurry.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right.
Chris Gazdik: In a hurry.
Victoria Pendergrass: Well, like, no one plans to be fired from three jobs in one year.
Chris Gazdik: Right.
Victoria Pendergrass: But, like, no one plans to get divorced when they get married.
Chris Gazdik: Divorce is another one.
Victoria Pendergrass: Like, no one plans to have an affair when they get married. You know, like, no one plans these things.
Trauma. Trauma event. But, like, part of my language, but, like, crap, well, I’m not gonna say it, crap happens. Like, like, it, it does. Right. It really does. And you can’t [00:39:00] plan for it. And, and the point
Chris Gazdik: is, is you really get backed down into very much basic needs, like, easily. Yeah. We, by, there by the grace of God go I, I mean, use your humility, definitely.
think gratitude list because when you are doing well, you’ve done a lot of work to get to that point and it can be taken away in a drop of a dime that you have to rebuild. I feel like you’re moving up and down constantly in this pyramid that Maslow talks
Victoria Pendergrass: like stock market.
Chris Gazdik: It’s up and down, up and down.
And it’s a yo yo ride.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. It’s
Chris Gazdik: a, it’s absolutely a journey of a roller coaster.
Victoria Pendergrass: Well, and I think being prepared and having a level of acceptance that that is how it is.
Chris Gazdik: Yep.
Victoria Pendergrass: Can make, soften the blow.
Chris Gazdik: Can give you some grace. Slightly a
Victoria Pendergrass: little bit. When you have more knowledge on the symptoms of menopause, when you have more knowledge on these things or whatnot, then you can be better prepared to accept it.
Equipped to [00:40:00] handle it when it does happen
Chris Gazdik: here here. Nice. Well, absolutely. I love that Let’s go and talk a little bit about how our current experience around the world in 2024 affects these things because Maslow did this in 90 and 43 1943 And we’re here in 2024. I didn’t really do a lot on this in thinking, but cause I think there’s more that we can come up with, but in this sort of quote unquote, new world of reality, how do you think these affect our needs?
I mean, you think of social media. Parent guilt gets raked on parents. Shame delivered to parents galore. We’re exposed to so much more information that we get confused about things.
Victoria Pendergrass: Well, because then a lot of times too is, well, [00:41:00] you’ve been taught one thing your entire life, and then one day you get on social media.
And you learn something different, and then you’re like, well, crap, like, have I been doing this one thing different
Chris Gazdik: or wrong
Victoria Pendergrass: my entire life, and, you know, this is not how you do it, this, that’s how you do it, and then it’s like, And, well, then, and then it’s like, okay, well, then what do I believe? Do I continue to do the thing that I was always taught to do, or do I, Unstable.
Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: Chronically unstable, chronically doubting, chronically questioning. Those go right against. I haven’t thought about this that way, but that’s, that’s a chronic rub in the eyes. Geared towards trying to be well. That’s wild. That’s really wild pining after coveting people’s stuff You know, I mean how much one upsmanship goes [00:42:00] on with with nowadays
Victoria Pendergrass: That’s why I have such a love hate relationship with social media.
Chris Gazdik: I’m out
Victoria Pendergrass: Because I really don’t, like, I don’t post as much on Instagram and stuff anymore, like, I just
Chris Gazdik: don’t. Well, I’ve told you what Gen Z is doing, I think. I think Gen Z’s gonna be, you know, helping the human race to get the hell out of this quagmire that we’ve been mired in for a good 20 years. Really?
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: They’re over it.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: And I’m glad for that because I, I, I think that it’s really taking a toll on emotional wellness. Well, it really do. Well, yeah,
Victoria Pendergrass: I mean, when you’re always trying to keep up with people, what’s the newest thing? What’s the, you know, like, whatever. Like, when, it makes me think of like, when the Stanley Cups.
Were like super pop, like became super popular.
Chris Gazdik: Stanley Cups.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. [00:43:00] Like
Chris Gazdik: there’s only one Stanley Cup Whatcha talking about?
Victoria Pendergrass: Okay. Well not hockey.
Chris Gazdik: Oh, .
Victoria Pendergrass: But, but seriously, like what is he talking about? Drinking the, the drinking cup. Those like, I mean I have, I have like, like 40 for
Chris Gazdik: us ignorant listeners out here and myself.
Like what the heck’s the Stanley?
Victoria Pendergrass: Okay. Most people know what is
Chris Gazdik: a Stanley. I keep believe the states came outta my brain.
Victoria Pendergrass: It’s like a big, it’s a company Stanley, but they make. Drinkware and it, there’s this really popular like 40 ounce drink cup with like a handle. It’s massive . It comes with a straw and everything.
Like I’m clearly
Chris Gazdik: not on social media. Victoria . Yeah. Well, like I
Victoria Pendergrass: remember like, they would come out with like specific, I’m a little over it at the, I do have. Well, I did have one. No, I threw mine away, or I still have, I don’t know, whatever, but, like,
Chris Gazdik: The journey of Victoria’s brain exposed.
Victoria Pendergrass: But, like, they would come out, like, with, like, a Valentine’s Day thing, and they would come out with, like, all these different collabs.
Like, they [00:44:00] did a Barbie collab, whatever. And people would literally, like, they would come out in Target or something, and people would, they would sell out within, like, Seconds like minutes they would like online would sell out people in Target were like would be videoed like running Sprinting down these aisles where they’re having to put up signs where it’s like limited to per person for a couple steel cup like a it’s like an insulated steel cup a
Chris Gazdik: bit much
Victoria Pendergrass: and it’s like but like that’s just what makes it me think of is that there’s always this like
Chris Gazdik: Stanley Cup for somebody
Victoria Pendergrass: or yeah, like
Chris Gazdik: and you know, what’s interesting is we had that I mean the Cabbage Patch dolls were that way back in 1987 I guess and and they you know, they were very popular I mean people getting trampled
Victoria Pendergrass: at like Black Friday sales.
So
Chris Gazdik: that’s that’s part of human behavior right, I I think that what we’re trying to say, though, is in [00:45:00] today’s world, is that not accentuated? Is that more intense? Is that, has that become like, you know, so chronically ingrained in us more so than it always has? And I think the answer is yes.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah, for sure.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. So that, that just creates major problems. I know what a Stanley cup is. We’re hopefully going to win it this year because the Pittsburgh penguins have the best triad with a forward, a defenseman and a freaking winger. They are great, but they cannot, they haven’t won man. Oh dear. Should we cut that part out?
No, no, I
Victoria Pendergrass: love it.
Chris Gazdik: You’re okay.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. All
Chris Gazdik: right. Sorry. I got a little worked up there. All right. Get back into it. Factors of cultural standards. What else is here? So. Think of your primary relationships. Your closest primary relationship, of course, is marriage. This is getting at the question, right? Like, how do you really assess your needs as men or [00:46:00] not?
I really feel like it’s a flawed thought process, but I really feel like many times people are really, really looking at the level 3, 4, and 5 of Maslow’s hierarchy almost exclusively in their marriage.
Victoria Pendergrass: I could see that.
Chris Gazdik: They evaluate their marriage, and they crush their spouse because their spouse isn’t giving them what they need.
Like, stop it.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: Stop that.
Victoria Pendergrass: So then, okay, so then where do you go from there? Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: Well, I think you look at getting a more accurate assessment of what your needs are and being careful, as we’ve talked about, that a lot of these times You know, when you look at your spouse, you want them to do a certain thing.
You want them to be a certain way. You want them to execute this plan. But really, you don’t need any one person that badly in your life [00:47:00] to meet your emotional needs. That’s a bold statement I’m going to make. You need to be able to get your needs met throughout a variety of relationships, not just one.
It is unfair. To look at another person and expect, keyword, expect, that they’re going to meet all of these things that we’ve been talking about.
Victoria Pendergrass: It’s impossible. Well, yeah, I think that’s, that’s, yeah, a little overdoing it.
Chris Gazdik: You’re pausing.
Victoria Pendergrass: Because I’m thinking. But I guess, if we’re, are we including sex in phys, physiological?
Well, yeah, I mean, we have a monogamous
Chris Gazdik: system and you want monogamy and, but. Yeah,
Victoria Pendergrass: but I’m more mean, like. And this may be a topic for a whole nother conversation, but I more mean like if your needs aren’t being met by your spouse sexually.
Chris Gazdik: Mm
Victoria Pendergrass: hmm. [00:48:00] Like how do you,
Chris Gazdik: are those only are, is that the only way to meet a sexual need, by the way, and we’ll keep this family friendly?
Victoria Pendergrass: Right.
Chris Gazdik: But you know, even with that, you think about it. Yes, sex is, you know, best between two people, you know, married, husband and wife, what have you. But the reality of it is, you know, there’s not even, that can be exclusively, I mean, you can. Well, you know what I’m trying to say. You can self stem, you can do all that kind of stuff.
Yeah. You know, that is appropriate. Self care, right? Right. But, so, getting away from that, though, all the other things that we look at and expect our person to do, it’s just, you know, Yeah, no, I do
Victoria Pendergrass: agree that it’s insane to think that one person can meet, you know, All 30 of these needs that we just. Sir, is your, is
Chris Gazdik: your wife supposed to make you feel knowledgeable, sir?
Is your wife supposed to make you feel loved and [00:49:00] connected? Is it, are they supposed to make you feel competent and self actualized? Are they, are they supposed to make you laugh and have joy? Are they, is your wife supposed to, you know, give you privacy in space? I mean, you know, yes, to a lot of that. is, is part of what you would like and what you would want.
But you know, if I come home, and I’m exhausted, and you want to talk to me about an in depth topic, I need to be able to say, Babe, I’m sorry, like, I am burnt. I, I, I just, I, I don’t have the capacity to sit here. I need, I need, I need an hour to just debrief. So I’m gonna go Watch the picture brick pirates.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah,
Chris Gazdik: you rolled your eyes at me.
Victoria Pendergrass: I’m sorry.
Chris Gazdik: Sorry. You see her on YouTube She rolled her eyes everybody, but that’s right. That’s you need to be able to have that balance,
Victoria Pendergrass: right?
Chris Gazdik: She’d be very careful about the expectations that you place Specifically and especially [00:50:00] on your spouse, but also family and other close relationships.
Yeah, be very careful You
Victoria Pendergrass: know what? I recently heard what about expectations? Yeah is that expectations that are not communicated are just secrets.
Chris Gazdik: You’ve said something else like that before. I love that.
Victoria Pendergrass: I said boundaries without consequences are just heavy suggestions.
Chris Gazdik: Okay, that’s what you said.
Yeah, this is a new one.
Victoria Pendergrass: Expectations that are not communicated are just secrets. Okay, and I think that plays into this because like, if you’re not, if you’re coming home and you’re not communicating, Hey babe, I need an hour to decompress and like, I’m just gonna go watch the Pirates, in my case it’d be the Hurricanes, for the next hour.
But, Like, if you’re not communicating that, well, then you can’t get annoyed, or you can’t be upset when she comes and bothers you. Or when she makes a comment about, hey, why are you not eating dinner with us, or why are, [00:51:00] you know, why are you hanging out in your man cave for, you know, like, what’s wrong?
Because you never communicated. That that was your expectation was to have the next hour by yourself so that you can decompress and so that you know But yeah, I mean, I’m just saying like I think it does play a part into like being able to communicate your needs and what you The expectations that you have within your did not just your romantic relationships, but any of like your platonic relationships as well
Chris Gazdik: Yeah.
So you’re transitioning us to our last segment today. How do you really get needs met? Right.
Victoria Pendergrass: Okay.
Chris Gazdik: And, and that’s one of the big factors,
Victoria Pendergrass: right.
Chris Gazdik: Communicating. And I was just listening to you and I’m thinking part of what I would suggest is appropriate based on what we’ve just talked about with the expectations and whatnot that you have with your spouse.
You know, these need to be wants that you’re requesting, and they are requests, and the other person could say no, we said that already. These are wants that [00:52:00] you’re, you’re requesting, knowing you may or may not get what you want. Cumulatively, you do have needs that need to be met, and hopefully, obviously, your closest person is doing that.
But you don’t need to be reliant on that other person, therefore it transfers it over into a category, really, of a want. I want you to spend an hour talking to me every day when I get home from work. That would be delightful. I have a need to be heard, I have a need to belong, I have a need for all these other things we mentioned.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right.
Chris Gazdik: But wait a minute. We just said, if they’re burnt and they can’t, Can you not call your mom?
Victoria Pendergrass: Right, is there not someone else to
Chris Gazdik: Can you not call your bestie?
Victoria Pendergrass: Or journal? Or do Boys don’t
Chris Gazdik: have besties though, I was trying to set you up. So, we need to Or you write! I like what you did there. Or a journal.
Express by writing. Yeah. Right? That’s You have I think the main point here is you really have [00:53:00] agency to be able to take care of the things that you really do need
Victoria Pendergrass: for your
Chris Gazdik: mental health. And you want them to come from him or her whom you’re married to. Can we switch that?
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. We can try. Right? We can certainly try.
Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: I think you’ll live a much healthier and grounded and relaxed life.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: If you realize thoughtfully, because the second thing I’m going to add to your communicate these things. Otherwise they’re secrets. I love that.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: You really need to look at a whole plethora of areas in your life where you can get things that you really have as needs.
And astute people are really good at searching around and finding places they can plug in and get things that really help them feel fulfilled when you’re needing to interact with other people. So you’re not alone, you’re not isolated, you’re not stuck in a rut with no friends. Feeling lonely, [00:54:00] that’s the way a lot of people feel.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah, that’s where a lot
Chris Gazdik: of people are stuck in
Victoria Pendergrass: The lonely.
Chris Gazdik: Lonely, depressed, and sad, and anxious, and just no friends. I mean, how many people in your therapy, have you heard this very much? I just don’t have any friends. I don’t have anybody to talk to. I don’t have anybody to do anything with. Yeah. All the time.
Right?
Victoria Pendergrass: Oh, yeah. At least once a day. If not more.
Chris Gazdik: Expand your freakin horizons in the world around you so that you can really be able to get from and with others what it is that makes you well. All these things we’re talking about.
Victoria Pendergrass: I agree.
Chris Gazdik: Ask, is it essential? Or can I live without it? That’s a fundamental question I want people to ask.
To take from this show,
Victoria Pendergrass: right? Can I live without breathing? [00:55:00] Absolutely not.
Chris Gazdik: Can I live without my wife talking to me this evening for an hour?
Victoria Pendergrass: Or can I live without that Hershey bar?
Chris Gazdik: Yeah,
Victoria Pendergrass: I think I’ll be fine.
Chris Gazdik: Okay, you’re giving obvious ones. Do I need oxygen? Yes! You know, it, it, it, it, it really, in the social media environment, in the impulsiveness that we have nowadays, in the fast action across the world that we all race to.
Victoria Pendergrass: Do I really need the latest Stanley Cup edition or whatever? Right. Yeah, no, I already have one. One will be fine. Okay. Right. Although I think I threw it away.
Chris Gazdik: I’m worried about you. With your cup situation. I don’t know what we got to do here. My awala
Victoria Pendergrass: has stuck with me for a while. I like it. I’m really
Chris Gazdik: concerned. It’s
Victoria Pendergrass: severely dented, but you know, we’re thriving.
Chris Gazdik: We didn’t talk a lot about unmet, but be aware of when your needs are unmet. [00:56:00] Because they really are important.
And you will feel when they’re not. As an indicator. You’ll be stressed. You’ll be irritable, you’ll be insecure, fearful, resentful, regretful. Various negative experiences that you will experience and you won’t take note of. You can usually track that back to what area of my life is not really working very well that I need to focus on.
Is it your health with exercise? Is it your nutrition? Cirilla is an awesome dietician and she would love to work with you on that. Yep. Is it friendship? Do I need to really target making friends? Is it Right? Go ahead. Yeah,
Victoria Pendergrass: well this is why I say if it works for you, journaling can be such a great, can be such a great tracker.
Like, when it comes to different things, like finding these different areas where your needs [00:57:00] may not be, may not be met. Right? Because a lot of times journaling is a great way to be like, okay, well, every, you know, Tuesday night, I get like really stressed out before work. Well then, okay. Like what is happening?
Like, I think it’s a good way to like, and I do understand that journaling is not for everybody. I, for example, am so I suck at journaling. I will do like a week and then I’ll never touch it again. Really? Yeah. I suck
Chris Gazdik: at meditation.
Victoria Pendergrass: And so like. I do, but if it is your thing and you can do it, I do highly push it sometimes because it can be very insightful.
Chris Gazdik: As the kids say, hella effective. Hella
Victoria Pendergrass: effective, yeah.
Chris Gazdik: Did I cut you off? You good there? No, that’s
Victoria Pendergrass: all I got. Yeah,
Chris Gazdik: you know, limit setting is something I really want to highlight as well. You know, limit setting of others, limit setting of self. You can think of all the different ways that you, you, you get into that, but [00:58:00] you know, mindfulness and gratitude lists.
Some of these things we, we mentioned, and you’re talking
Victoria Pendergrass: there being
Chris Gazdik: aware of your impulses. I mean, I think honestly, being really aware of how you feel, track that back to areas of your life that things may not
feel right with and focus on that area. If it’s your marriage, then. You really need to deal with your marriage.
You know, if it’s your family and estrangement with your son or your mother, like get, you need to resolve those things because there are needs there that are struggling. So being aware of how you feel, tracking that down to, you know, where the area of life is that is struggling and then strategize that, you know, talk with friends, don’t isolate, you know, Figure out, what do I need to do in this area to improve that relationship?
Victoria Pendergrass: Right.
Chris Gazdik: What’s happened? What’s happening? And, if the relationship is gone, [00:59:00] such as death or bereavement, where do I need to plug in that will kinda give me some of what I got from that lost relationship? Right. Right? If a friend moves away, you no longer have your pizza buddy on Tuesday nights. So you need to find a new pizza buddy.
Right?
Victoria Pendergrass: Or find something else to replace that.
Chris Gazdik: Right. Right? Cause, cause, you That still
Victoria Pendergrass: gives you the same outcome that you were getting from the pizza person. Cause you
Chris Gazdik: are ultimately in charge of your own well being. Do not give your remote control to other people.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right.
Chris Gazdik: Stop that.
Victoria Pendergrass: You hang on to it.
Chris Gazdik: You will be disappointed.
You’ll be hurt. Pretty regularly.
Victoria Pendergrass: All the time.
Chris Gazdik: Right. Express them. You know, you don’t get what you want. If you don’t ask for it, we know that.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right.
Chris Gazdik: How many times have you felt, you know, off with a [01:00:00] situation or someone and simply just said nothing? How many times have you gone home and wanted to sit down with your spouse and didn’t even really say hey, can we go chat for a little while?
You just went on with your evening, now you’ve gotten resentful and mad and snotty, snarky with them. Yeah. As a result of you not expressing, you not taking agency that you, that you have. And along with this idea, you know, beginning to wrap up here is, is the idea of being assertive about them. Not aggressive, not passive, my age old belief of the continuum, trying to get close to the middle with assertiveness.
You need to assert what it is that you need.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: Nobody’s gonna do it for you.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah, we’ve talked about assertiveness a lot. Right?
Chris Gazdik: We have lately, haven’t we?
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: So, that’s what I got. That’s what I’m thinking.
Victoria Pendergrass: I love it.
Chris Gazdik: Closing thoughts, comments, Miss Victoria?
Victoria Pendergrass: You[01:01:00]
Chris Gazdik: say that as a question.
Victoria Pendergrass: No, I’m saying that as a statement.
Chris Gazdik: Okay, gotcha. Just flat
Victoria Pendergrass: out. I guess more like, don’t be afraid to communicate.
Chris Gazdik: You know, listen, thank you for being with us in this little journey. This is actually a message of hope. This is a encouraging reminder that you really do have the ability to kind of get, get geared up to get going, to get what your needs are met.
And hopefully we’ve given you some things to begin thinking about because when you feel bad, generally, There’s something that you can do about it, maybe with others, maybe with yourself. So feel hopeful, encouraged. Take the agency that you have for your life, take control of your life and go after what your needs are to get them met as best you can.
Bottom level of Maslow’s hierarchy all the way up to the top level of self actualization. Thanks. Take care. Be well, we’ll see you next [01:02:00] week.