This was a packed review show since we missed the one in November. We started with the discussions on Assertiveness and included the conversation about Santa and Holidays. While most people will see holidays as a joyous time, the reality is that they are usually accompanied by stress because of logistical challenges and seeing people you normally don’t see. How do you handle yourself during and after the holidays. Then we did a quick overview on the shows about commitment issues and then we finished up with discussing how to repair false beliefs.
Tune in to see January and 2023 Through a Therapist’s Eyes.
Links referenced during the show:
Why Do We Believe What We Believe: Implicit Bias Part 1 – Ep173
Intro Music by Reid Ferguson – https://reidtferguson.com/
@reidtferguson – https://www.instagram.com/reidtferguson/
https://www.facebook.com/reidtferguson
https://open.spotify.com/artist/3isWD3wykFcLXPUmBzpJxg
Audio Podcast Version Only
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Episode #260 Transcription
Chris Gazdik: [00:00:00] Hello, this is Through a Therapist’s Eyes. I am Chris Gazdik, and usually we have a panel of therapists, but this time we’re doing the January Month in Review, kind of 2023 Month in Review, kind of as well, so we have the technical wizard coming out behind the curtain, Mr. Neil Robinson with us tonight.
How are you, man? Good,
Adam Cloninger: good. I’ve
Neil Robinson: made it through this week, so I’m
Adam Cloninger: happy. The Wizard of Oz. The Wizard
Neil Robinson: of Oz. The Pinball Wizard. Mr. Wizard, you guys ever watch that show when you’re young? It’s 5 o’clock in the morning, Mr. Wizard come on. He was like an early Bill Nye kind of guy. That was a fun show.
Chris Gazdik: I, I feel like I should, but I don’t.
No, I don’t remember that. We all would love that. You don’t know me. Was it Bill Nye
Adam Cloninger: or somebody? No, it was Mr.
Neil Robinson: Wizard. It was literally a guy like, well,
Adam Cloninger: I didn’t know if maybe it was Bill Nye doing. No, no, no. It, it was an old guy with, I disappointed
Neil Robinson: with myself right now. You’ll have to look it up. It was one of those fun shows at like five o’clock in the morning they’d be on, they need to do little experiments with, you know, as kids would be on the show with them and Yeah.
Kinda like a Miss Mr.
Adam Cloninger: Roger [00:01:00] vibe. Also have Mr.
Chris Gazdik: Adam Clinger with us back from the holidays. Mm-Hmm. to do a review with us. How are you man? I’m good. I’m good. Now you we do want to let you know we’re going to miss you for a couple of months, maybe. Yep. So February and March, you’ve got some things scheduled that are taking priority so I’ll be back in a couple months.
A couple
Adam Cloninger: months, okay. So I’m here with you tonight and then
Chris Gazdik: gone for a little while. Okay, and then coming back. Yep. Alright. So, let me see what else do I gotta say? We have the new, or First Horizon Bank is our sponsor still from 23 carrying over this year. Very excited about them hanging on with us.
They are the sponsors of the show. They are a bank in the North Carolina region. Primarily, we use them here. I don’t use them anywhere else, do we, Neil? What do you mean? Have we ever been to a First Horizon branch outside of North Carolina?
Neil Robinson: I’ve never been to a branch outside of North Carolina, but I’ve seen them all over North Carolina.
But they are. We do notice them now, don’t we?
Chris Gazdik: Yeah,
Adam Cloninger: yeah. I actually did see one the other day and noticed it. Did you? Yeah. Where you wouldn’t have [00:02:00] otherwise. I was
Neil Robinson: about to switch most of my stuff over to them and I was like, I just, the hassle was almost worth it. Just because of how good it
Chris Gazdik: was. They will get you because first horizon gives great banking services.
They really do care about financial literacy. And we had one of the members of the bank here Evan hanging out with us. And he did, he did, he did a show and he really, they care about financial literacy, all the banking services that you would expect a bank to have. They do. And they’re based out of Memphis, Tennessee, and we just appreciate them sponsoring the show.
So. First Horizons. What did he
Adam Cloninger: talk about during the show? I’m just curious.
Neil Robinson: Financial literacy, what they offer, a lot of Chris tried to get some gossip on him from like, you know, he was like, what kind of traumas happened to the bank because of financial issues? Who’s gotten divorced because of finances?
And he’s like, no, I can’t tell. That’s
Adam Cloninger: a little
Chris Gazdik: exaggerated, Neil, but I was just trying to make it interesting with family conversations. He was very
Neil Robinson: pushy. Very pushy. Wow.
Chris Gazdik: Chris? No. Shut up. Stop. Let’s [00:03:00] just stop this conversation right now. All right. Contact at through a therapist eyes. com. We’ve got awesome merch.
You should use on use tubes. Lives can see awesome cup. Yeah, that was proper English. Oh yes, you gotta grab the the pillow behind you there. We got some cool stuff. Check out Adam with the pillow. Yeah, that would
Adam Cloninger: also make a good tattoo.
Chris Gazdik: You know what would be awesome, awesome, Neil? We need, I need, I got the thing, I’m gonna get on Redbubble.
We don’t have tumblers anymore. We need Through a Therapist’s Eyes sock merch. I will not live
Neil Robinson: life well. We’ll find some socks. With
Adam Cloninger: the I
Chris Gazdik: on there? With the I on, I need through a therapist’s eyes, socks. Somebody, please, help me.
Neil Robinson: I don’t think, I wonder if Redbubble has socks. I don’t think they do. There’s so many different print on demands that I’m not sure which one’s which.
Somebody out there in the world’s
Chris Gazdik: got to be able to take one of those. We’ll get you socks. I need socks for our merch. Go check it out. It helps us out. We get a little bit of an insight or a kickback when you buy one of [00:04:00] these merch things and they’re cool things. Also, we’re going to get some statements and cool slogans out there.
Adam Cloninger: So how would you feel about if I got tattooed? It’s like that. Just just dude man tattoo. Really? Yeah, what’d you think? Get it on
Chris Gazdik: your chest. Yeah, that’d be pretty cool. That’d be pretty good right just right there on you. On your chest. So hit the subscribe button, click the likes, do all the reviews and stuff.
It helps us out. So 2023 has passed. We’ve got the questions I’m going to pose to you today is. What’s the most stuck out to you for 2023? How are the new you’s doing this year, really? And, but most importantly, the question I want us to think about, maybe I need to do a show on it, I think. Because now’s the time to work towards consistency in life, you know?
It’s, it’s like getting towards the end of January, all these resolutions and stuff has happened, and maybe you’re going to the gym still. Maybe you’re not! Maybe you never went. Well, you may never have gone. Maybe
Adam Cloninger: you made that your quote [00:05:00] unquote resolutions and never went. Right?
Chris Gazdik: That happens. So, we’re coming up on February, so we want to talk about life consistencies.
We won’t today, but those are questions I pose to you to think about. Oh, I forgot to say, this is the human emotional experience which we do endeavor to figure out together. Right? We try. How did I not say that? Okay On the month in review, we do a down the rabbit hole with Adam Cloninger. He usually brings us a couple of news items or something that’s going on.
We’re all out of whack with the holidays and different things. So did, did you, did you have anything squirt through your
Adam Cloninger: mind? Yeah, this is, I’ve been, this has been on my mind for like a couple of months and I’ve been putting it back on delay, but I’m, it. Could be controversial. So I’m going to try to tiptoe around making this
Chris Gazdik: not so long as it doesn’t have anything to do with Trump.
Okay. Let me think of something. I’m just
Adam Cloninger: kidding. I said, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. I’m kidding. Okay. You know, that’s
Chris Gazdik: becoming a clinical issue in my office. Again, people coming in about [00:06:00] it is I’ve been doing this work since 1995. And I’ve never really experienced anything like that, you know, during his first term and it was like become family discord, anxiousness, you know, anger, irritability is like.
Maybe I
Adam Cloninger: should schedule an appointment with y’all about if Biden gets
Chris Gazdik: another term. I mean, I know.
Neil Robinson: Doesn’t that say something about society, the fact that people like that can cause that much divisiveness in a family? Like, you think about the celebrities and stuff over time, like, the fact that him and the way he’s portrayed and the whole process has caused such a big turmoil, like, that’s, and it’s really not just him, it’s, it’s how he’s presented, it’s the media, it’s the emotions that go around the,
Adam Cloninger: it’s crazy.
And you know what’s so bad about it? There’s a guy I work with and he, he actually helps me come up with the articles for the thing. Oh, does he? You know what he wanted me to do today? What? Family [00:07:00] being split over political views. Wow,
Chris Gazdik: seriously, that’s what, that’s what you said. But I didn’t do that, I’m not
Adam Cloninger: going to do that.
No, I’m kind of glad because y’all just talked about it, so. It’s funny. I’ve been like, well,
Chris Gazdik: are we ready? We are. Okay. Okay, there we go. I was going to say, I thought we had a YouTube trouble, Neal, but it was actually my phone. Oh. Going, going. Operator
Adam Cloninger: error. Yeah, my.
Chris Gazdik: It’s a picnic. So what you got?
Adam Cloninger: Alright, so, you may recall a couple months ago, I mentioned there was a thing with ants, and you went, you mean like, relative, I said no, like, actual ants crawling around.
Bugs. Yeah, bugs. And I wanted to make sure I understood it a little better. Okay. So there’s been a study where answer they’re down to the DNA level. They’re actually like the same. You get, you have like worker ants and you have guard ants. Well, the worker, I should say not workers, but foragers, foragers, forage, rants, and guard ants.
So they’re, they’re the same, [00:08:00] but at some point there’s an enzyme that is released. And they did a experiment. They took the enzymes and switched them. Now, just so you’ll know,
Chris Gazdik: we got trans ants.
Adam Cloninger: That’s, that’s where I’m going with this. Hear me, hear me, hear me out. That’s where I’m going. Hey, a rabbit hole, you know how it is.
Chris Gazdik: So it’s a rabbit hole
Adam Cloninger: indeed. So guard ants are
Chris Gazdik: larger. Is it like the warrior kind
Adam Cloninger: of ants? They’re the ones that protect, they protect the nest. Okay, right. Or they got, they got some other bird sources. See, I can’t remember. Guardians, okay. So, and then the forager ants are smaller. So once they switched the enzyme, the small foraging ants started guarding.
Wow, right. The large guard ants
Chris Gazdik: started foraging. Right, well, sure. So the enzyme was driving their behavior.
Adam Cloninger: So, and, and, and I’m, I’m, I’m going to do this cautiously cause I don’t want anyone to think that I’m like, you know, trying to say that [00:09:00] your, your beliefs are what somebody is or what I’m not, I’m not trying to insinuate that and make disregard the transgender pop.
Yeah. I’m not trying to, or, you know, or belittle in there. I’m just saying. Is it possible there’s like something in the water so to speak that maybe because it seems like anyway always gets attributed to like social media and You know, Me Too movement and all stuff like that. But, maybe there’s something like in, you know, in the environment that’s maybe causing some of this to come more forward now than it used to.
I just want to kind of throw that out.
Chris Gazdik: Well, okay. Alright. You want to take that, Neil? Ha ha ha I’ll take
Adam Cloninger: it, I’ll take it. Oh, I’d be, I’d be fine to try and take it. Yeah, no,
Chris Gazdik: let me, let me say this, like, I don’t want to get into a conversation just because we’ll need to do a whole show on the reality of transgender reality.
Adam Cloninger: And I didn’t want to get into like, you know, what I believe or what they believe, or I didn’t want anybody to see. I’m saying you’re not what you think you’re not. I’m not saying that at all.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. Yeah. It because transgender is a, [00:10:00] I’ll say it. I mean, it is a valid, real reality. I don’t know that it’s as extensive as it has become today in today’s culture.
So I’ll make that bold statement and I’ll take the bullets for that. But it is a very real reality that has gotten kind of extended more than probably is biological reality. But I, but I think what I want to do with this instead of really talking about. Human transgender in no, by the way, there’s nothing in the water that’s causing this.
There’s nothing that people have ingested or doing. I totally reject that. There’s no science on that whatsoever. But, but, but what’s, what’s really fascinating to me in what you’re talking about, you might not think so much away from the transgender or trans ants more so just our biological reality with the endocrine system.
About changing, just changing the Changing the endocrine system has dramatic emotional impact. I want to make that [00:11:00] statement. And I think it’s an okay statement to make. Such as, a menstrual cycle. Such as, what I’m experiencing being 50 years old and feeling very real changes in my body. Heck yeah, andropause is a real thing.
Menopause for women. I suspect there are mental health disorders that we haven’t really gotten good research yet that are affecting your mental health diagnosis based on the endocrine system in your body, which is hormones. And that’s what enzymes are, and that’s what what’d you say they switched on the ants?
They switched, yep, they switched them. The enzyme. Yep. So there were enzymes. I don’t think we understand the difference between neurotransmitters, enzymes, minerals with nutrition. Hormones are very different functional things in our body. So these are very, very impactful and it’s a very, very intricate system.
I know for years we have, for instance, the thyroid gland. When people have hypo or hyperthyroidism, [00:12:00] the Synthroid medication that they use to treat that, if you make minuscule changes, that makes massive difference on your experience with depression. So these are systems that we know very little about and it’s fascinating that Things like that with ants that we can change behavior and emotion and patterns.
Adam Cloninger: Now there’s, there’s other experiments too, like with proteins and they had other effects too, actually, physiological
Chris Gazdik: effects. Yeah, no, it’s, it’s, listen, we don’t know jack shit about this whole topic area, like, not even the tip of the iceberg. It’s, it’s an ice cube is what
Adam Cloninger: we quote, unquote,
Chris Gazdik: in the water. If there’s fluoride, will you go fluoride with me?
No, no, no. Okay. Stop it with that. Neil
Adam Cloninger: and I were talking when you were in the other room before this. So, Neil, what do you, you got something else to say about this?
Chris Gazdik: I just mentioned the
Neil Robinson: Then we’ll move on. I, I just mentioned, you know, the change in diets. You look at the increase in, in soybeans, which has natural [00:13:00] estrogen.
You look at, honestly, there’s a lot of hormones and stuff in milk and the dairy products we have, which can basically that changes what you’re ingesting. I mean, your kids are developing faster than they used to, you know, 30, 40 years ago because the antibiotics and steroids and dairy. So there’s a lot of stuff that we do ingest that does shift a generation because they are basically.
Exposed to those types of things and you mentioned about the farmer the farmer that drank so much soy milk He started basically lactating had sorry sore breast Because it but it was also the amount of soy milk he drank Was well above because that’s what he used to drink regular milk got lactose intolerant And this guy would drink like a gallon a day because he’s out working on the farm And so it’s one of those things in small quantities It’s not a big concern, but when you’re drinking a gallon or two of that a day Anything become that noticeable.
That’s
Adam Cloninger: kind of what I was getting to. I’m not,
Chris Gazdik: I don’t think we have any mass hysteria that we have to be worried about for our physical nor our mental health, you know, with the water or [00:14:00] food supplies or, you know, this type of a thing. I, I
Neil Robinson: think there’s a bit, I think there’s a bigger problem with the low quality of a lot of the food we have because
Chris Gazdik: of let me finish my sentence.
Because, because you guys will be happy with the second half of the sentence is however, there’s a whole lot that we don’t understand about our nutrition and what happens with how food is grown now and all the crap that we have in our diet, such as corn fructose and all the, I’m just not a. Well, we should have Cirilla on the show to talk about that.
She’s much more roundup used
Adam Cloninger: on wheat or roundup used on wheat. Oh, all kinds of meat killers,
Chris Gazdik: pesticides, chemicals in our body now that we never did. And it’s impacting. I’ll pull that back to the endocrine system. We don’t know what’s going on with our endocrine system. Plural and so it might be in the water.
Stop it with the water. I drink tap water out of
Adam Cloninger: saying when I say water, I mean, [00:15:00] I meant like in the water, something we’re consuming
Neil Robinson: or something. I, I do, going back to the study, the thing that was interesting he mentioned before the thing was like when they put it in there eventually the enzymes would wear off and then the ants would go back to where they were from before, which was interesting.
And
Adam Cloninger: after one
Chris Gazdik: I was gonna say, all this from trans ants. After,
Adam Cloninger: I want to say this too after just one injection of the enzyme it took months for the ants to go back to their normal self. Oh, I believe that months. That just blows me away. I mean, you
Chris Gazdik: know, yeah, no, I’m not surprised at that at all. I mean, I’m so glad they’re doing that studying that endocrine system and enzymes and stuff because I believe this is a powerful, powerful part of mental health and we had no idea.
Like, we still, we have nothing on this, and I’m intuitively looking at doing work with people finding these impacts in marriages, these impacts in self esteem, and, and all kinds of things, trauma related, I mean, it’s just, it’s, it’s, it’s, I can go on and on for that, [00:16:00] it’s a lot there, so the enzymes in ants.
Okay, so let’s move on to some of the shows that we got, we got a long list. of shows episode 24 and 25 assertiveness are you that was the one that went back before the holidays is that 224 224 okay 54 55 and we did two shows on that because we got into a big debate or discussion about santa claus if i remember correctly yeah
Neil Robinson: what’s that what says you adam when do you tell your kids about sant
Chris Gazdik: claus i don’t even want to go there because we might have kids listening i don’t want to have people Turn their cars off and all that kind of stuff.
So we just, just understand. Go back to that episode. We had a long conversation about that. Okay. We’re not doing that today, sorry. So two 56, we did, why are the holidays hard? The cures two 57 beat the holiday hangover two 57 recovering from the holidays and two 58 commitment issues. Millennials. I can’t wait to talk to you about that one, Adam.
And also, 259, Repairing Past False Beliefs was the show that we did last.[00:17:00] A lot to recover, a lot to review. What did you see stick out, Neil, about all of those shows? Or do you have an off the cuff comment about 2023? I guess either of you. My comment off the cuff about 2023, I’ll give you a moment to think, was really, I think that’s where we started along the time with, with Neil or with Victoria and, and, and John.
So they’ve been, I think Victoria was like, Chris, we’ve done this for a year. That’s it might be about the beginning of the years when they kind of started and what a cool panel that we’ve had. I’ve really enjoyed talking with a panel of therapists with any kind of regularity back when Casey was doing it.
And, you know, having, having a panel therapist has been fun for me.
Neil Robinson: It’s been an interesting dynamic between the three of you guys because you do really have
Chris Gazdik: The old, the middle, and the young. Oh
Neil Robinson: yeah, it’s, it’s really, really different with it’s funny between Victoria and John because they are on really opposite sides of the spectrum on [00:18:00] a lot of stuff and then you’re kind of in the middle where you kind of straddle both of them.
It’s a very, it’s, it’s an interesting dynamic now from before. So it’s, it’s been fun. It’s been enjoyable.
Chris Gazdik: And how long have you been doing the reviews,
Adam Cloninger: Adam? It’s been a while. Has it been a while? Yeah, it’s been a while. It’s been, has it been two years?
Chris Gazdik: No, it hasn’t been the co host thing, I think, before too, and I was doing the
Adam Cloninger: therapist and lay person.
Just a review? Just the
Chris Gazdik: reviews. Yeah. I think it’s been about that timeframe. We started doing the month in reviews about 10, about 10 times, maybe,
Neil Robinson: maybe it was, I think it was at the end of the summer sometime or something. I thought I thought it was relatively because I’m thinking about like when we did YouTube with the, with the month in reviews and how we switched it, maybe it was.
Beginning of summer. I don’t think it’s been that long since we’ve actually done the end of the month review thing That was a shit
Adam Cloninger: or it was like a month at a time Well, that’s
probably
Chris Gazdik: true because I think I remember you’re you’re you’re down the rabbit holes without them They’re you they’re really pretty cool.
And I really [00:19:00] appreciate you doing that. It’s because I Remember the night fighting. I’ll never forget that for the rest of my life. That is just absolutely cool rage room and by the way I have met somebody in my work that, that does that stuff, man. The night fighting stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah! Like, there’s communities in the areas around here that do that.
And I, I met somebody that, that. We need to go watch it. I know, right? Like, they have events yeah. We should, like,
Adam Cloninger: put a table way over the side. It’s kind of like a renaissance festival
Chris Gazdik: feel is what it really is. Yeah. Anyway, we’ve had about five or six down the rabbit holes with you. And so that gives us about the time.
Cause you did a month in review a couple of
Adam Cloninger: times. Yeah. And we did a little something a little different than rabbit hole thing. It was before I was like, give me two things and y’all had to pick them. Well, you
Chris Gazdik: still cut it. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So anyway, I have loved the month in reviews because they give us an opportunity to talk about things that we didn’t really get to focus on when we did the actual show.
So I, I know that. That’s happened more than, more than once. In fact, it’s going to happen tonight [00:20:00] as well. So any other thoughts about the, you know, 2023 or things you’ve thinking about or what you remember stuck out?
Neil Robinson: I don’t know. 2023 was an interesting year personally for me. I mean, a lot of stuff’s changed a lot of, a lot of progress. It’s been, been good. It’s like I said, it’s, I love the dynamics. I can’t really think of anything that really stood out. That’s been crazy. It’s actually kind of all a blur. Like, 2023 is, to me, like, just a blur.
Like, it was, it’s been a year
Chris Gazdik: plus already. I’m thinking about this as we’re talking, and I actually love the fact that somewhat recently, in 2023, I finally felt comfortable enough because of that show that I observed on the New York Times podcast, or Wall Street pod, one of the podcasts did a show. And then I saw a, an event on TV as well, and the title, if I remember correctly, was Menopause Has Its Moment.[00:21:00]
And it was a whole 30 minute show on menopause, and I’m like, alright, finally I can get out on the show, Mr. Man Therapist here, and talk about this important topic that is not talked about. So we spent a whole episode doing, doing that. Did you ever go check that website out? What
Adam Cloninger: website? Was it mantherapy.
com? I
Neil Robinson: did. It was definitely interesting. Yeah, did you ever check that one out? That might be one that’s a good one to send to your sons.
Adam Cloninger: Really? Thanks, everybody. Why,
Chris Gazdik: what,
Adam Cloninger: what, refresh my memory. It’s just a, it’s just
Neil Robinson: a, it talks about therapy but it, it gets it from the stereotypical, stereotypical like man side.
You know, kind of talking about how, when rubbing dirt on it won’t fix it kind of thing because it talks about your feelings. Just about therapy? Yeah, it’s all switches, but it, but it’s, it’s just. Package differently. It definitely seems interesting. Yeah, the way it’s
Adam Cloninger: packaged is,
Chris Gazdik: is pretty neat. Like the conversation I just had.
Yeah, I, I understand. Yeah. Well,
Neil Robinson: you know, Nick Offerman, right? From Parks and Rec. The guy with the mustache and the, the man’s man kind of thing. No. You know who Nick
Adam Cloninger: Offerman is? Yeah. The, the one that. I’ve been sent videos and somebody told me I was that character. Oh, you’re him. Apparently. [00:22:00] So
Neil Robinson: I
Adam Cloninger: kind of see it.
So now I’ll tell you the one, the one thing I did say was when he walks in, like, I think it was home Depot and the guy walked up and said, excuse me. So I know more than you and keep on walking. So,
Neil Robinson: no, but it’s that persona. Yeah. It’s, it’s all these stereotypical things about men. It breaks that, that that’s a great icebreaker.
Cause it kind of gets through that part of the stereotype. Yeah. And it’s just all about men’s stuff. That’s like the guys at a desk with the mustache, the sweater. And like, it’s like, he’s like in a wood cabin with like, and deer behind him. And it’s, it’s a really great way to broach it to those guys who don’t want to deal with it.
Or
Adam Cloninger: what website is this again? It’s like man, I think it was man. Therapy. org
Chris Gazdik: therapy. I’m pretty
Adam Cloninger: sure that’s correct. He’s gonna
Chris Gazdik: check it right now. We’ll we’ll make sure that we have it on the show notes, I think. The wizard is going to. To figure that out, but, let’s get in this a little bit. So, Assertiveness RU, the questions that we had is, Do you know what this really is?
Why do people get passive? And why do people get aggressive? Now you guys. [00:23:00] So the guys were checking out on online so they hadn’t they hadn’t heard me I’m glad because I just introduced the show. Listen, let me ask both of you a question more you Adam than Neil. Okay What is the middle word that we’re looking for between the continuum of passive on one side and aggressive?
on the other. Neil, I know we’ve talked about it, so you’re out of this. Adam, I’ll give you a five dollar bill or a shiny penny if you can tell me the
Adam Cloninger: answer. So you’re saying Passive on the one side, aggressive
Chris Gazdik: on the word in the middle? The word in the middle.
Neil Robinson: He said it, but I distracted you
Adam Cloninger: by showing you the Yes,
Chris Gazdik: exactly.
I’ve always heard I’m so glad you did that. I’ve
Adam Cloninger: always
Chris Gazdik: heard passive aggressive. No, that is not the word in the
Adam Cloninger: middle. Yeah, I mean, I’ve always heard the word, the term passive aggressive. I can’t think of a passive, blank, aggressive feeling. It’s the
Chris Gazdik: healthy spot in the middle of being passive or being aggressive.
Like, you don’t want to be a doormat. There’s not a lot of passive therapy suggestions I’ve ever made. But you [00:24:00] don’t want to be
Adam Cloninger: aggressive. As you’re saying it’s healthy?
Chris Gazdik: What are you saying? The healthy spot is in the middle. Okay. I’ll have this conversation like this in therapy hundreds of times if not a thousand or two, right?
And and I don’t know that anyone has ever gotten the word correct. Neil, the word in the middle is passive and aggressive. That’s a healthy spot that we’re after is what? It’s assertive. Right. People do not understand. So we did this show, right? Do you even know what assertiveness
Adam Cloninger: really is? See, I took what you asked me completely.
I thought you were talking about a term. It was three words.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. Simple. Do you, but do you see what I’m saying? People don’t think about how can I be assertive? In this conflict, how can I be assertive at this work situation? How can I be, you know, the best me in my marriage or, or whatever relationship? We don’t think about that word in the middle at all.
And that’s really [00:25:00] where we want to get to. So the concern is if you’re not even thinking about the word or thinking about the, that as a goal, you don’t have much of a shot of getting there. So do you know what this really is? Do you know why people get passive? Do you know why people get. Aggressive, because we want to be that space in, in the middle.
Do you remember this show guys? It’s been an age ago. This was like the beginning of November, I think, or something. When we, when we
Adam Cloninger: did this. I don’t remember that
Neil Robinson: show. Yeah, this would have been the middle, beginning of November, because this was right after the monthly review we were going to talk about.
Current event with the Santa Claus and then assertiveness. And then the one topper took over. So we spread it over to, yeah, I remember it was, it was a really good
Adam Cloninger: conversation after it was accurate. Thanksgiving. Yeah.
Neil Robinson: Cause this would have been like the first show in December, the first shows in
Adam Cloninger: December.
So then of course it’s been posted, right? So that’s why, so we haven’t had a review since that show then. Right. No, we have not. That’s why I don’t remember it. This was okay.
Neil Robinson: I thought you were supposed to listen to
Chris Gazdik: [00:26:00] all these shows, man. You’re all over the through a therapist eyes and you’re, you’re, you’re sharing them with your friends and you’ve given us the reviews, you’ve clicked the like button, the little thumb up thing, and, and you’ve made a couple comments, right?
No,
Adam Cloninger: I do share, I do share, but I don’t watch the shows because I want to come in with the non clinical eye and give my perspective without knowing what you’re
Chris Gazdik: talking about.
Neil Robinson: In a genuine way. I think that, I think there’s something about assertiveness that we’ve talked about is how, like, back in, I feel like the 90s or something, there was all these assertive people.
I think that John Nelson or you talked about like assertive training and corporate, there was that, there was that trend about assertiveness or being assertive. And then all of a sudden, like the last 15, 20 years, I’d like just completely gone away. And now it’s all about like, you know, watch your watch, what you say around people and worry about their feelings.
And they’ve gone, when I worked, when I worked corporate, there was literally stuff in about that, there’s stuff in corporate that. Like it asked us, you know, if you have an opinion different from other people, should you share it? I’m like, yeah, sure. Of course. And they’re [00:27:00] like, no, like don’t share your opinion.
I’m like, what the heck? So it, there’s a huge shift. Yeah. You’re talking about why people are passive. It’s, it’s because
Chris Gazdik: it’s advocacy for passivity that I think is a problem. Let me say that again. I need to write that down. There is an advocacy for passivity. And I’m going to make the statement that I think that is a problem.
And I hadn’t really thought about that. That’s, that’s absolutely a thing because yeah, if you have a different thought, be assertive is the goal. We just said, listen to, listen to this. This is, this is what assertive people do. We had a list on that show. We didn’t really talk a lot about this list, but this is what assertive people do.
They keep an open mind. They practice active listening. They continue to grow and learn, they handle mistakes positively, we express needs, we avoid guilt. [00:28:00] Listen, G, letter G, highlight. Neil, say letter G, it’s a different voice, they’ll hear it more. Stand for your beliefs. Right? H, know your rights. Assertive people avoid aggression.
Assertive people have courage to dream or imagine. Probably among other things. But I think that’s, that’s a cool list. I don’t even remember where I got it. I would need to look. Maybe that’s my own list. That seems like a pretty smart list. I don’t think that was mine. But we don’t think about that space in the middle when you’re in a business meeting.
We think about, as you said, Neal, corporate world. Or in culture now, don’t upset people. You were afraid Adam to say trans ants, you know? I didn’t say that, you did. I did, I know, I did. You know, it’s like, there is a passivity. We have a propensity for passivity. We have an advocacy for [00:29:00] passivity. And we, we, we need these traits in people.
Absurdiveness.
Adam Cloninger: Yeah, but I want to give a word of caution. You can’t always do well, you really can’t do that at always at work. You can’t always give your opinion at work cause
Neil Robinson: it’s just bad. No, there, there’s a lot of stuff, but, but I think part of the issue is because of the assertiveness and some of these things he’s talked about.
Well, if you say something that someone doesn’t like, it’s become an attack. It’s become now they’re defensive. Like there’s those 20 years ago, if you said, Hey, I like, I like presidential candidate X. It’s not, you’re a white supremacist and I hate you. It legitimate, like legitimately, like that’s part of the issue is like now that when you express your opinion, the, the reaction to it is.
You think that’s the truth and I can’t have an opinion different from you. So when you say something that I don’t agree with me, you’re, you’re attacking me. So they become aggressive because [00:30:00] you’re stating your opinion. And
so that’s the biggest issue, the idea of, of I can be assertive with my opinion and you can be assertive with yours and we can come up with a discussion without becoming aggressive.
That’s the importance. Well, here’s, here’s the thing
Chris Gazdik: is assertiveness doesn’t really have much to do with opinion. Doesn’t have much to do with perception. Doesn’t have much to do with, you know, defensiveness or any of these, any of these realities, you know, your, your, your goal, you look, you can be passive at work, you could be aggressive at work, or you could be assertive.
At work, I’m going to suggest we choose the healthiest spot, which is assertiveness. That doesn’t mean that you still have to filter your conversations and understand the role that you have or the purpose that you’re there for. And certainly there are things that. You know, when you’re in a group of people that you, you, you, you have social skills and learn what it is that you’re doing and what you don’t want to do.
But that, but that doesn’t change the fact that we want to be assertive. So, I’ll stand
Adam Cloninger: [00:31:00] by that. Well, I agree. I just, what I, I think what I was referring to is stuff that’s not work related. You need to stay out of that at work because it just does not go well. Yeah, and sometimes it’s hard, you gotta like
Neil Robinson: Yeah, cause your opinion about a certain project or how things are done, that’s different than, you know, what happened at the latest whatever.
You gotta have a filter.
Chris Gazdik: That’s just, and that’s been demonized also, by the way. You know, that’s another way that you, you know, the advocacy for, for passivity is strong, like, you know, filter, filter. Well, having a filter is like a social norm that we all need and have had. It doesn’t mean that it’s cancer culture.
You know, we’re not talking about cancelling somebody. We’re not talking about shutting somebody down. We’re talking about like, we need to be appropriate and have appropriate decorum when we’re in a meeting or when we’re at a homeowner’s association time, or, you know, even when we’re in our family, you know, meeting at Thanksgiving meals, you know, we, you, you need to filter.
You need to have some reason on what it is that you’re talking about [00:32:00] and what you, what you don’t, but, but you can always be assertive as the goal, no matter what the topic or place is. I’ll stand by that. We’re proud of your assertiveness. Thoughts are, yeah, well, are you? Yes, I’m proud of your assertiveness.
Is there sarcasm there?
Neil Robinson: We’re very proud of you, Chris. Way to go. Okay. But no, I, I think that’s like, I’m looking at the list that you have with it. And I’m just like thinking the problems like stand for your beliefs. Okay. That’s good. So then it’s like practice active listening. When someone expresses their beliefs, you need to practice active listening and keep an open mind.
But then it’s like, there’s these things through here that you have to like, I’m looking at all these things and I’m like, all of these things you have listed in here, like we hear these. Terms so much, but yet they’ve become watered down or inappropriately used. Like keep an open mind means, you know, if you, if you don’t have an open, not mind, you’re a bigot, you know right.
Yeah. You know, avoid guilt. Stan, like I said, Stanford know your [00:33:00] rights, you know, what are really your right, like all of these things are great things for a service, but these meanings and the today’s society, it really has changed, which makes being assertive, trying to follow these things a lot harder in today’s society.
Cause I’m looking at these, I’m like, Oh, these are all really good. And then I’ve like everything in here, I’m thinking about how they’re used in the culture. So that’s another reason why I think assertiveness is even harder now is because of this twist in these types of, you know, whatever you want to say, behaviors of assertiveness.
That
Chris Gazdik: is, that’s it, that is, yeah, I’m going to think a lot about that. There, there, there does seem to be a certain advocacy for pass, passivity, and that’s just not healthy. Yeah. It’s, it’s not My friend likes
Neil Robinson: to say, reject passivity.
Chris Gazdik: Heck yeah. Reject aggressiveness too, though. Well,
Adam Cloni
Chris Gazdik: yeah. We want the middle ground.
We want the middle ground. Alright, we did several shows on the holidays. I don’t know how much we want to talk about the holidays. Other than to say, you know, Adam, I thought about this for you to see, [00:34:00] let me ask you a question. Okay. Adam, have you ever considered how difficult the holidays are? Yes. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah. Tell me about that. What, why or what, what goes through your mind? Like, how, how, how is that a thing that you’ve That you’ve thought about. Cause I thought that you
Adam Cloninger: might say no. Well, there’s traffic and there’s additional planning. And then you gotta be assertive and not be passive. Not be, I mean, there’s things there where you gotta try to, you know, make everyone happy and Boundaries.
There’s time constraints. There’s, you know. There’s a lot. Yeah. There’s money expenditures. So, I mean, that’s.
Chris Gazdik: That can be goes on and on and on and we did talk about a lot of those things in and
Adam Cloninger: there’s change too Because it’s not the norm So and when there’s change there’s there can be stress so people doing different things.
It can be stressful
Chris Gazdik: Yeah, I had a freaking kid in chicago and boot camp this whole holiday season like jeez You [00:35:00] know, very different. We’re missing our Adam, man. Did get a letter from the other Adam, not me. Not him. Well, I missed you too. Yeah. I miss you when I’m not hanging out with you. But yeah, definitely missed Adam.
I did get a letter. I don’t even know if I told you about the letter that I got from him. I did. Yeah. Yeah, he said that he’s not too hard man. That’s all I needed to hear like I am good. He’s doing well We’re we’re we’re missing him terribly. But but he’s okay. So we finally, you know, he finally gave us a letter
Adam Cloninger: And he’s gonna do twice as many push ups as me when he gets back.
That’s
Chris Gazdik: the bets. That’s the bet I got my money on adam. Do you get it? I got it. Thanks. Adam and Adam. They’re both Adams. Anyway so what do we want to say when, oh, we got a YouTube comment that says what some people today with an opposing opinion can bring out hate, not discussion. People used to talk respectfully and with interest.
Not everyone, but they were generally respectful. That’s what you were saying. Yeah. Yeah, right on point [00:36:00] YouTuber. So well, I think all I wanted to say for the holiday stuff and all the shows that we did with that is, is from a therapist’s eyes, like there’s, there’s the, the difficulty that we all experience and some, like, I met a new person recently during the holiday season, just as the holiday season was starting, their therapy experience with me was starting and it just struck me because it’s, The issue was depression, long term chronic depression, which is always tough because it’s just so chronic and nagging and just nagging and, and she, she was just, you know, we were meeting each other, talking about the issues, starting a therapy experience, so I’m taking the whole history and doing all the, the thing and she, just towards the end of the session, she just broke down and just started crying in session.
And she just, she just made the statement. Like I I’m just trying to get through the hall, you know? And it was towards the end of my therapy day as well. So I just went home and I was just like, [00:37:00] ah, man, you know, like there, there people are hurting out there when it comes to this stuff. And I think we forget.
Get that during all the joy and the Merry Christmases and happy holidays and tidings of new year. And it’s just, there’s a lot of, there’s a lot of real trauma that’s replayed in people’s lives. A lot of depression that we hear a lot of grief and loss. It’s, it’s rough, so I just, I hope we. We cover those shows because in part we don’t want people to feel alone so that you know, that there’s people out there that are feeling similarly, you know, to the way, to the way you’re feeling.
So hopefully we accomplish that closing thoughts with the holiday shows. Neil,
Neil Robinson: I think one of the great, one of the interesting things, I don’t know how much we covered it, but was, was the idea of the difference of how holidays are perceived from like the eyes of a child versus the eyes of an adult. And I think that was a really interesting topic because as you’re, when you’re a child, you know, I’m going back.
When I was younger, it’s [00:38:00] like, you’re just there for the ride. You go see your grandparents or your aunts and uncles or your cousins, and you just go hang out like that’s all that it is for you as a kid. And you
Adam Cloninger: don’t know about the money and the traffic and the
Neil Robinson: planning and the coordinating who brings what for dinner.
And then, Oh, uncle Steve’s coming back. And the last time he talked about politics, you know, so, but no, and that’s funny because
Chris Gazdik: so and so’s in recovery.
Neil Robinson: Right, you know, and that’s all that’s an interesting dynamic of like when you look at from the eyes of the kid It’s just it’s a joyful time because they don’t have the stress of all the other logistics, right?
And I think that’s important. I think honestly as a parent or someone who has young kids in a family, that’s great So if they don’t have that and let them enjoy it as long as they can, because it is joyful. Those are great memories for those kids. Those are great things. Let them be delusional as long as they can.
Exactly. I mean, that’s like kids because let him be delusional. Ignorance is bliss. And
Chris Gazdik: I, and honestly, I might even add, it’s an interesting thought that I, you’re, you’re [00:39:00] making, you guys are making me play with is you know, do we not want to re establish that and redevelop the innocent view of a child in our.
Own selves, like it might be nice to revisit and simplify a lot of this stuff that, you know, yeah, we get caught up into, can we see this through the eyes of a kid?
Neil Robinson: That’d be great. And I think the, the more we look at it that way and just have fun, enjoy the moments.
Chris Gazdik: And I’m saying in our own experience, I don’t want to say it that way.
Like, you know, see it through the eyes of a kid. No, see it through our own eyes as ourselves. Focus on the good stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Simplify and, and, and just, you know, stay with the moment and what’s, what’s pleasurable, like a chocolate pecan warm pie. Loaded of vanilla ice cream. Sorry, I just went off into a.
How’s your diet going, Chris? I am doing well. Thanks for asking. Actually, I really [00:40:00] cravings? I don’t eat, I don’t eat a lot of sweets. I actually am doing pretty good. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I skip a meal and do the, the intermittent fasting. So, we’ll see how the night goes. Let’s move along to millennial.
Fear of marriage and commitment issues. I thought this was a fun conversation, particularly with Victoria being, you know, younger as she endearingly is. What you have kids Adam and, and they’re all is, are they Gen Z? You have an older son. How old is he’s not much older.
Adam Cloninger: He’s only, he’s a C turns 25 next month.
Oh, is he only 25?
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. I thought he was pushing 30. I really did. He’s 25. Okay. So he isn’t that old. Alright, so they’re definitely Gen Zers. Is that right, you’re Gen Y or something? I don’t know, I don’t get, I
Adam Cloninger: don’t keep up with that. It’s
Chris Gazdik: Gen Y, I think they do. It’s a stupid name, but we can do better.
Neil Robinson: Isn’t there like Gen Alpha coming now?
Didn’t they go back
Chris Gazdik: [00:41:00] to that one? Is that what
Neil Robinson: it is? I feel like I heard that somewhere.
Adam Cloninger: I hope not. They’re going to come up with another name every We’re going to start with like alpha
Chris Gazdik: beta. Well, alpha is pretty cool though, but, but, but it’s got to have some sort of meaning like this, you know, this, the reason why we started at X is because we had like nothing going on and it was like a weird, no war, no, you know, it was a big blank of space that ended up being, you know, are you making this up right now or no, I think that’s what we, That’s what, I mean, why, why do you think we’re called Generation X?
I have no idea. Yeah, well, because, yeah, that’s what my guess is. I mean, that’s, I mean, I guess it’s my take on it, but, I don’t know. So, what do you think about that with your kids? The genesis of this show, Adam, was really like a client conversation with a young 30 something that has his intended fiancé that moved in with him.
And he made the bold statement in therapy, we were talking about [00:42:00] this, that he has never been asked by anyone in his life when he’s getting married, when he’s having a kid. And it was interesting because we, as we were talking about that, he was recognizing that and, and And comparing that to like, you know, I think we all got asked that question constantly.
It’s like, okay, you’re done with college, so who are you marrying? You know what I mean? That’s, that was a societal norm. That was a, and it shocked me that he was 30 something and never ever even got asked. From the culture around him. Now, follow that up with a, a friend of mine that I was talking to that said, Oh yeah, he’s asked that all the time because he’s living with his I think it depends on your family.
You know, yeah, family culture for sure, but I don’t think there’s hardly anybody in 1980 something that wasn’t asked that question family. Definitely not family or not. So that was just interesting. Adam. I’m curious what you see with your kids and them getting married And I mean, you know [00:43:00] the the attitudes that are there and their friends and you know Do millennials as a as a general rule have a fear of commitment?
What says you? I don’t know.
Adam Cloninger: Hmm? I don’t know.
Chris Gazdik: You don’t know
Adam Cloninger: or they don’t know? I don’t know. I mean, cause, you know, with, with my son, he’s not wanting to have kids. And my daughter’s not currently seeing anyone right now, so the conversation really hasn’t
Chris Gazdik: come up. My younger one is like, I don’t want to have kids either.
And I’m like,
Neil Robinson: at his age, he doesn’t need to.
Chris Gazdik: Well, yeah, exactly. I’m very well aware of that.
Adam Cloninger: Elon’s going to have problems with this, just saying. Who?
Neil Robinson: Elon Musk. Elon, he’s very, he’s a big proponent of repopulating the world. Yeah, he says we’ve
Adam Cloninger: got a problem coming soon. And
Neil Robinson: we actually do. I mean, there’s a lot of proof with China because of the one child rule.
There’s a lot of stuff that’s going to cause a crumbling society because you don’t have the younger generation take care of the older generation. I
Chris Gazdik: mean, I think we’re developing an opposite of the baby boom. Like [00:44:00] in, in, in this group, which is wild. Yeah. I caught you off. Sorry. Yeah,
Neil Robinson: no, I think there is a big shift in the ideas of marriage and we’ve talked about society and you know, people don’t want to be held accountable.
So, you know, last thing you want to do is get married. If you want, if you don’t be held accountable, don’t get married because Lord knows that significant other they’ll hold you accountable. I mean, that’s just the way it is. And I think there’s a lot of that fear, you know, you know. Go in that route. I think there’s, you know, the change in society, there’s all this doom and gloom.
Like, why would I want to bring a kid into this society kind of thing that you see that allow with the younger generation? Like, so there’s a lot of stuff that’s going on that, you know, millennials and, and even younger are looking at, like, it’s just not worth it. Or the sanctity of marriage is kind of, kind of shot.
So the idea that I don’t need to get married, you know, I’ll just cohabitate with this person. I don’t need to have that thing. Or, you know, there’s, there’s People can’t afford it or they don’t think they can afford like there’s all these negative connotations to marriage now [00:45:00] in society that Because there’s not the pressure from the parents be like, hey, when you’re gonna get married, you know Have you found the right person yet?
And and that’s not part of the forefront of the conversations I just don’t think people are really looking for it or really yeah,
Chris Gazdik: and I agree with you Cass. YouTube She says, I don’t like the generational labels. I, I, I really don’t either. But Neil, yeah, I’m listening to you and I’m kind of like, you know, there are a lot of these.
But here’s the key fear based statements. Remember we’re living in the age of anxiety says our own Mr. Dr. John Pope. And, and I think he’s right. We also are living in a time when we have a pandemic of loneliness. And so these patterns of what is a marriage and how people feel and vision. Or fear some of these things about what they’re endeavoring and not having the [00:46:00] ability or successfully traversing the anxiety that that creates.
I mean, you will not stand on the altar and not have cold feet. I mean,
Neil Robinson: it’s, it’s, it’s always a nerve wracking right at that point,
Chris Gazdik: but how much are people avoiding that nerve wracking by just saying, Oh yeah, we don’t have to do it at all anyway. We’ll just live together and it’s just. Is changing the cultural norms that are concerning to long-term mental health?
Well,
Adam Cloninger: you know, well, I do remember one time I asked somebody about, you know, they want to get married and have kids or whatever. I, and I remember they said, well, why would I do that? And I went, I’ve got nothing . I’ve gotten nothing. Come on. I mean, other, other, I, I think maybe I probably said something like, well, you know, kids are a joy.
’cause they, they barely are. ’cause I mean, I, I didn’t plan on having kids. Yeah, you did not. I didn’t. I didn’t. Did it break?
Neil Robinson: Did what? Did the condom break?
Adam Cloninger: Did it
Chris Gazdik: break? What happened there, Adam?
Neil Robinson: He knows where babies come from now.
Adam Cloninger: It just happened.
Chris Gazdik: It just [00:47:00] happened.
Adam Cloninger: I don’t know what happened. So I didn’t, I didn’t plan on, but you know, they, they’re been, unless you’ve had kids, you don’t know what kind of joy.
Neil Robinson: You really don’t know. And you don’t know the struggle they are either. But, but the struggle begets joy kind of situation. Say that again, Neal. The struggle begets joy. You know that. It’s the, it’s the hard times. Even now, as our kids are teeners, you, you have young adults and you’re young men now, and like, there’s, you’re, they’re still struggling.
You’re still going to struggle with them, even when they’re out of the house and then you’re going to watch them grow and then you’re going to be proud when they get through it. When you got that letter from your young, you’re saying like, Hey, it’s not that bad. I’m making it was amazing. And unless you have kids or you have someone you have a close relationship with, you just don’t understand that.
’cause even even people who maybe don’t have their own kids, but have cousin like nieces and nephews and they’re very part of their lives. Like you can get that same type of feel, but it’s still just not the same as having each other. It’s not feel, I
Chris Gazdik: mean, they, I’ve seen you can’t even make, it doesn’t even come close.
You know that Neil is a dad. Yeah.
Neil Robinson: And I have, and I have nieces and [00:48:00] nephews. I don’t really care about that. Right. Ouch, well, they
Chris Gazdik: don’t listen. Yeah, sure. It’s safe to say. Yeah, it’s it’s just Look, I remember the panic and the fear with finances standing in the grocery store looking at how much diapers were there.
Diapers, why are we telling about that? Yeah, man, I mean, I was doing math in the aisle. Imagine doing it now. No, I don’t, right? But the thing of it is, is that’s the fear that you have to fight through to get to the other side. And there are many, many thousands of people in today’s day and age, which by the way, inflation is coming down.
You know, we just had a 3. 3 percent economic thing, you know, I don’t buy the fact that there’s more to be fearful about in the world today than there was when people were having kids and raising them through the depression. Right. The
Great Depression. I think there is a, a fear that’s winning over people’s minds and I’m concerned [00:49:00] about the millennial kind of generation getting caught in that for whatever’s causing the age of anxiety.
Well, here’s a
Neil Robinson: thought for you, standing on the altar, anxiety, cold feet, all that stuff. That to me, when I was marrying my wife, like that was anxiety because I was excited about this moment. Yeah. But in today’s society, I don’t know if people, some of the engineers understand the difference of anxiety from good moments versus anxiety from bad moments.
It’s just anxiety,
Chris Gazdik: really good
Neil Robinson: point. It’s just anxiety and you don’t know how to handle it. So they’re afraid because they have this feeling that they feel when it’s bad, but it’s technically, it’s good. It’s like people cry when they’re happy. Just like they cry when they’re sad. That’s an excellent, you’re crying.
And so. I think you’ve heard it before. A lot of this younger generation with everything going on, they haven’t had to push through and get past certain things. Either they’ve been rescued or they just give up or something like they don’t have to understand. Like, oh, if I work harder for the next little bit, I make it through and I’ve succeeded.
I’ve [00:50:00] accomplished something that’s just not there. There are
Chris Gazdik: a lot of realities in what we experienced growing up now with, you know, these phones. I mean, they You have at your fingertips, all the information that you could ever want to know to answer most any question you, you likely have, that’s crazy.
That’s crazy. We had to fight for information, you know, before.
Neil Robinson: When I was a young kid, young, young kid, my stepmother we were visiting her mom, who was an old kindergarten teacher, and she asked, like, what does D Day stand for? Like, it was this project she had me figure out, and this was back in probably early 90s.
I couldn’t find that stupid thing out for the life of me. I went to, like, the library, encyclopedia, like, I couldn’t find it. D Day? Yeah. And I’m like, now you just
go to like, like you said, you grab your phone and there it is, but I’m just thinking back the access of information you have now and trying to find that stuff out.
It’s a lot different now. You know, you don’t struggle through with it. You just Google it and [00:51:00] figure out the answer. Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. It, it’s remarkable. And, and so when you have something that is fearful and I love your point, you know, that makes you anxious. It’s all bad, whether it’s that nice, anxious feeling.
Is she going to call me back? Is she, she going to call me back? Is she going to call me back? Well, I don’t know. Chris,
Neil Robinson: she saw you dance. Dang.
Chris Gazdik: Oh, he’s trying to be met. Y’all have to listen to the other shows to know what he’s referring to. Yeah, you know, but so I just won’t call her. You know, and avoid that, that anxiety.
Yeah, and
Neil Robinson: that’s what we’re trying to work with on my, my oldest kid. Cause he’s had issues with some, some girlfriends and some problems and it’s like, all right, get back on that horse. You know, you need to find, cause right now, John Nelson story.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah, yeah, exactly. John Nelson, get back on the horse. And, but that’s
Neil Robinson: the thing is like with him.
We’re not asking him to find someone to get married, but for us It’s like find someone that you start finding the good qualities or the bad qualities and go get turned [00:52:00] down go ask someone like you Know you can make it through that my youngest they’ve they’ve been dating for that They’ve actually had two years now and there’s they just now in freshmen’s in high school I’m like, oh god Is this gonna be one of those like weird relationships in 30 years like we met in an elementary school and we’re still together I don’t know but But yeah, it’s just, it’s important for people to know that things are going to be tough, but
It’s, things are tough, go another direction. It’s not experienced. Experienced. Great.
Chris Gazdik: It’s not experienced nearly as much and, and that again, I, I’m not making a culture statement or getting into culture wars. I think that is stupid, you know, stuff. Frankly, I’m getting into like, what is, where’s our mental health at?
And it affects our mental health very negatively, you know, honestly, Adam, we did a show or I was going to do a show or it’s in the line to answer that question, you know, why, why get married? I’ve got a lot of answers for [00:53:00] that, you know, but one of the taxes, huh?
Adam Cloninger: Taxes,
Chris Gazdik: taxes, taxes are important. That definitely helps because we value as a society.
Here it is the stability. That these relationships create. It is why it’s in almost every culture that man has ever had. Down in the jungles of, of, of Bolivia or over to the Europe from the Stone Ages or Roman times, Mongolia, the Mongols. You know, it, whatever, throughout the history of man, we have had these relationships, and I think that’s primarily, it’s one of the pillars of, of a culture.
It’s a pillar of society. So stability. And when you just don’t have that, we’ve done a show on people that never gotten married, that’s fine, I’m not down in it, you can have stability in your life, but there’s, there’s just a lot, and that’s probably at the top of the list, you [00:54:00] know, to answer that, that question, Adam, like, why would we get married?
You gonna, we’re gonna have a conversation about that because we’ve always done it like that. Oh yeah. Well, no, it’s much more than that. We’ll have a, we’ll have a conversation and, and, and you don’t
Adam Cloninger: need to tell me about it. I mean, it doesn’t,
Neil Robinson: he, he’s been married once already.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. You’re about, get married again.
You’re about to do it. You are, right? Anyway, we’ll, we’ll move on. We’ll move on. She’s listening! Alright, what was the last show that we did?
Adam Cloninger: Comment’s blowing up right now. It’s
Neil Robinson: maybe. Is your phone blowing up? No, just kidding.
Adam Cloninger: It’s on airplane mode. It’s on
Chris Gazdik: airplane mode. I’ll put airplane mode first.
You’ll never know, Julie. He’s always listening. Did I just mess the cameras up?
Neil Robinson: No, you’re fine. Well, a little bit,
Chris Gazdik: but it’s okay. Alright Repairing Past False Beliefs was episode 259. And the questions were, Is this part of the Millennial Commitment Fears? We didn’t really get to talk about that.
Repairing false beliefs? Yes. Repairing past false beliefs was the last show that we did. Which was a really good conversation. Second [00:55:00] question is, do you actively think about and thus reframe what happened to you with perceptions or even aware that they’re active? That’s a long sentence, but it’s, it’s, it, you know, I, during that show I wanted people to really begin thinking about like how do we really Do, do you even put attention to this in, in, in your life?
And the last question is, did you listen to the show on implicit bias? Please go back to that one. Episode 1 73, because we spent some time showing how you do have these things going on in your mind, sir, or ma’am listening, whether you realize it. Or not. I don’t remember that one either. Episode 173? That was a while ago. That was a very, very while ago. I think I did that with Matthew Hanks, one of the Yeah, I think it was. And I only know that because we’ve talked about that show many times. With the dog, yeah. With his dog, yeah, yeah. fear of dogs. That was awesome. He literally, I think, on the show, figured out why he has a fear of dogs because of [00:56:00] the implicit bias that he had from an event in his life earlier on.
And he never knew it. That is absolutely really cool. So Adam, I’m curious from your perspective, what do you think about this? I’ll read that question again and ask you this question. Do you actively think about and thus reframe what happened to you with perceptions or even aware that they’re active from Life and what not.
I
Adam Cloninger: did it like this week. Oh really? I’ve had a lot going on lately. Yeah. I remember there was an email that I had sent at the end of the day. And I was, the whole way home I was mad. If this one guy responds a certain way. I’m like. I got home and I started thinking. Why am I mad? He hasn’t even responded yet.
And I’m already getting mad about if he responds a certain way. Great. And I’m thinking I’m actually, I’ve realized that I’ve been on the edge and I need to like, okay, except a lot still going on in life right now. And just, I need to be [00:57:00] aware of that.
Chris Gazdik: I love that. Thank you for sharing that. Yeah, I that’s a really good example in the, you know, the, the day day to day, kind of the day to day functioning.
Of our mental health and you want to know you want to know the the fancy psychological term for what that is Sure, why not the psychological defense mechanism? of displacement So you have this stress over here in life and you got worried about this. Are you thinking about this or your thoughts are racing over here?
You don’t know what to do about this problem or whatever might be going on. And you take that energy and you shoot it over here to classically. We go home and we kick. The dog, that’s the, the, the displaced. No, I’d never do that. I know. I’m not saying you would, but you get pissed off about an email that you haven’t even gotten back yet.
But you
Neil Robinson: might yell at a kid or yell at a wife. You might not kick the dog, but you might yell at a kid or poor Marvin.
Chris Gazdik: I know you would never kick Mark. No, poor dog would [00:58:00] roll across the yard. No, it’s displaced. Emotion, it’s displaced anger and, and that’s a mini example of day to day functioning that I don’t think people oftentimes even know that’s going on.
So it’s a testimony to you that you realize that.
Adam Cloninger: I realize that I’m like, and I shouldn’t be upset about this. I shouldn’t be angry. I have, I’ve been on edge. I’ve been on edge a lot lately.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah, and I get it. It’s, that’s, that’s, that’s, that’s real. And so this happens in a grand way also. The genesis of this show Adam, if you don’t remember Neil, I think we just did the show recently.
So I’m pretty sure, you know, was a, a, a therapy session with someone dealing with trauma. And as we’re talking about the trauma, she, she makes the statement that there was no one. Around anywhere that was willing or interested in rescuing [00:59:00] her or saving her from the stuff that she was, she was enduring.
And I stopped and she knows when I do that, it’s like, Oh, and I, and we, and I just, I said, pause. I said, let’s, let’s look at that statement a little bit. And we kind of went through and talked about that a little bit. And in real time through the session, she realized that. All around her, all throughout that time, if she were able to find a way to reach out, that there was a plethora of people more than willing and interested in more than rescuing and saving her.
That that, that that was, that was, she realized that. So that was a belief that she had had. That was a false belief that in looking and reframing that, wow, what a moment for her that she realized not only then, but now today when she has things going on, that she can reach out and there are people that care, that, that, that can be kind to her and support her.
And she never knew that. [01:00:00] Years and years and years. It was, I hope I’m doing it justice in description because it was a very powerful moment to watch her, her do that. So that’s why I developed the show, you know, repairing past false beliefs. What a powerful process to watch people go through with this.
So what do you remember, Neil, about going through the show with that? What’s your review?
Neil Robinson: I think one thing, and I don’t know if this is a review, because you just made me think about some other stuff, as far as this is concerned, because I think the key that I think you, with that therapy session, I think is very powerful.
Is when you’re in the moment when you’re looking at your false beliefs and you’re letting that control your thought process, I think the hardest part is taking that part where you realize it’s a false belief. And I think that’s probably the hardest part for a lot of people to look at from from inside them when they react a certain way because someone triggers them or something happens and you,
you react, we talk about implicit about like, but getting to the point where you [01:01:00] actually can acknowledge that.
Oh, wait. Something’s not right about this to know that you then have to repair it. I feel like that’s probably the hardest part. And I think that session you had with, hang on, let’s take a step back. Having that extra person to come back in and we’ll look at it. And one thing I’ve heard in the past, there was this guy who wrote like a man book about, you know, warrior, whatever.
And he has a thing in the session. Cause the biggest concern that you, that guys have is they get in these thought processes of, you know, something happens and they start going down these rabbit holes of like, here’s why this happened. You know, they over embellished, they get all pissed off, you know, someone’s supposed to do something they did.
And they’re like, well now. They’re just being an a hole to me. Well, no, really what happened? And so in that process, when you get to those irrational moments, he’s like, you have, it’s, it’s like the why seven times, or in this case, it’s, you ask yourself, is it true? And you do that like three times you legitimately like, okay, this happened.
Okay. Is it true? And then you start thinking about it. You take that permit to, to [01:02:00] process through like, okay, here’s maybe this is what happened. Okay. Is that true? Oh, well, and then you go down, but you have to get that trigger that when that irrational behavior reaction happens or that out of the ordinary behaviors, you have to take that.
You have to learn when to stop. It’s that identifying that hang on, something’s not right here for the now you can make the steps to repair
Chris Gazdik: it. It’s exactly what Adam just highlighted, you know, a little bit ago that he had as he stressed out and had a. A moment with an email, it’s, it’s, it’s, it’s knowing to stop and pause.
And you’re right in a therapy session, somebody that you’re talking to can be objective about when to identify that. But one of the things we really landed at with this question that is a direct suggestion to you listening here, you know, whenever you have on any day or any specific event or any experience that’s going on, what do I want to learn from that?
What do I want to learn from [01:03:00] that? Like, because you get to, like, determine how you’re perceiving this and, and do a wonderful little exploration from time to time. Just spend 15, 20 minutes, you know, sort of wandering
around in your mind, just like you were describing, Neil. You know, what’s my perceptions?
What’s feeding into this? Are there life experiences that this connects to? And you can make these connections. You can make these understandings. And then you do get an idea of, like you said, Neil, like, you An option to reframe them and re understand things. That’s why I titled my book, by the way, Re Understanding Emotions and Becoming Your Best Self.
That’s the title of the first book. The title of the second book is going to be Re Understanding Your Marriage and Becoming Your Best As a spouse, like re understanding things happens all the time. I hope for you, because the alternative [01:04:00] is these things are in operation and you don’t even know it. Like, let me say that again.
These things that hurt you in your life are in operation. All the time, day to day, and you don’t even know it. And that sucks. I don’t, I don’t want that for you. I’d rather you take some time and, you know, do this. Be aware of it. And be aware. Because then you can make growth, and you can really be different.
And boy, I tell you again, the stuff that I see people doing in therapy is powerful to watch. So cool when people do, you know, that work. But that can happen just in your own mind as well. You know, therapy is not the only, the only model.
Neil Robinson: Friends, family, you know, talk, get, and that’s why we’ve talked about it when it’s so important when it comes to friends and family, having that unbiased person that will tell you, Hey, you’ve like, why are you getting mad at that person’s email?
That’s like. Like Julie would probably be like, you probably complained to her. She’s like, well, why are you getting mad about it? Like he hasn’t even like, it’s important to have those at least one or two people in your life that can basically say, you know, BS, like what’s going on? Like what’s [01:05:00] what’s really,
Chris Gazdik: and I think that was always that person.
So it doesn’t have to be therapy. If I ever heard her say Christopher, I’m like, Oh. What I do,
Neil Robinson: so just keep that in mind is you need that person or persons in your life. And that’s one of the benefits of a healthy marriage is that spouse that
you can talk to. So just keep that in mind that sometimes that third, that that on the list,
Chris Gazdik: Adam,
Adam Cloninger: but again, people can, can also do this without somebody that you can actually, like I did, you can, if you, if you’re aware that there’s.
You shouldn’t be upset about something. Yeah. You can start thinking, okay, wait a minute. Why am I already getting upset about this? There’s, there’s, nothing’s even happened yet. Yep. You, if you’re just awareness can actually
Neil Robinson: make a big impact. Yeah. And that, that’s good to get to that point where you can do it, but there’s some people who need that other person first.
Right. And get to that point like, oh wait, hang on, something’s not right here. So yeah, if you get to that point, like, I mean we honestly, we all wanna be like Adam, we know that. So, but until you get to that point, it’s good to [01:06:00] have that. You met, met my son. I’ve
Adam Cloninger: been told
Chris Gazdik: this before. You met my son, right? No, he met my son.
He was talking about my son. You arrogant. Okay. Okay. . .
Neil Robinson: So yeah, I, but I think that’s important.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah, it is. Absolutely. Listen Adam, we’re going to miss you for a couple of months. We wish you well. We’ll be hearing from you. I’ll be talking with you, tracking with you. Of course, you got some things scheduled and going on.
What else, Neil? I guess you know, we’re signing off. We got we got some things coming up in 2024. This is kind of a review of the last several shows. We talked a little bit about 2023, but I’m really excited about you guys sticking with us and riding with us and, and, and we want to, we just, we, we enjoy the little community that we’re developing here with through a therapist.
So jump in with us, check out the lives, give us some emails. We interact with us. We love building this with you. So can we continue to, to, to figure this out together is really not just a line. It’s, it’s a, it’s what we really endeavor to do.
Together. So happy new year. Merry Christmas. Let’s get happy [01:07:00] Easter out of their way as well.
And Adam, we’ll see you soon. Neil, we’ll see you next week and y’all take care. Stay well.